Too much to handle...

Well I said before in earlier posts that I was going to put down here in words exactly what happened to bring about the end of my marriage. Guess what? Today's the day. I'm going to put it all out there. In total honesty. Nothing I'm going to say will be untrue. Why am I so hell bent on doing this now? Well, it's because I've learned last evening that I've been made a fool of. That the past three and a half weeks of my life, of my sober life, have been just a big farce and joke for the benefit of only a handful, that I know of, of people who have gotten their kicks off of this mess of a life that I lead. More about that later...

First of all it should be known that my marriage hasn't been good for a while now. As she says it's been at least the last two years that have been real bad. She claims to have wanted out for that long, but was afraid to take the steps because of our debt and financial situation. She's said that she had plans to pay off a major amount of debt then leave me within a year or two.

Now follow along and take a step back with me into January of this year. But before I go any further let me just say a couple things: I am a very sexual person. Yes, I'm a man but in the second half of last year I lost a ton of weight and my libido increased incredibly. I'm talking 18 year old kid libido here folks. I went from a grandpa's interest in sex to a high school kids interest in the course of a few short months. She hated this, but put up with it to a degree. She would usually indulge me my advances, albeit usually grudgingly, and lay there till the job was complete. At the time I thought her lack of interest was only because she wasn't a "sexual person". Of course now I know it was because she didn't love me and was spending much of everyday figuring out how she could get the F out of the marriage.

Well by mid January she had formulated a plan. We were standing in the kitchen, having cocktails as usual, and I leaned up against her, pressing myself into her, and made some sort of overtures about wanting to "knock a piece out". Then the shit hit the fan. She went off. Spouting about how she hated having sex with me, how I wanted it too much, how she would be happy with only doing it once a week/five times a month at the most. She said a lot of other things, but finished it off with the hook. She said (and this is pretty much word for word) "why don't you find yourself a girlfriend, someone to f**k you when you need it, just be safe and wear a condom". Yep, she tossed me the hook but little did I know then that she'd soon have me "hook, line and sinker".

Over the next three or four weeks I traveled a lot, as usual. She even went out of town for work for two nights. During this time I met about 6 women. Most were pretty innocent encounters, well not so innocent when you consider the fact that I was a married man, but okay when you're a married man with permission. There wasn't much that happened with four of the six, but with two of them I did go all the way. I was incredibly drunk when I was with each of these women, but still in my drunk mind I wasn't too concerned. After all, I had permission.

Well then the fateful week of Feb 22nd happened. The week I went out of town to Florida, the week she left me. Everything since then is well documented here on this journal. Even up until recently when she moved back in and wanted to be "friends". She explained to me, several times over the past three plus weeks, about how she was sitting here at home that Wednesday the 24th minding her own business when she received an anonymous call from a woman claiming that I was cheating on her and how I had a website describing my extramarital exploits. I did have a website, or a blog actually. It was in creation for a total of 6 days and had about 6 or 7 posts on it until I deleted it. Yes it was stupid of me to start, but I've always been a writer and the thought of writing about my adventures on the road appealed to me. Of the 6 or 7 blog posts I had written, only one "sexual adventure" was true. The rest of the posts were just "getting to know me and my situation" type of entries. That one sexual adventure was a, very exaggerated, version of one of the two affairs I had had since the permission had been given.

Well this was my belief of the events that lead to the end of my marriage, up until last night. This was the reason why, in so many other posts here, I've bemoaned the fact that I just can't forgive the things I've done and how I'm such a bad person, etc. Well last night I learned the truth. And this truth has literally upset the apple cart of everything I've come to feel, understand and believe over the past three plus weeks.

Last night we spent a good period of time once again discussing this mystery person who called her that Wednesday night. Who it could be, who I may have told about the blog, and why this person might have called. I even went as far as to break out my expense report to go over which restaurants and bars I had been in during the time I was on the road to try to piece together exactly who it may have been that I could have drunkenly blabbed my secrets to.

Well finally, after a couple hours of this discussion, she came clean. She informed me that she had suspected I was doing something and on the afternoon of Feb 21st, before I left to go out of town, she had taken my computer and downloaded spyware onto it. Spyware that would send to her newly created email account a snapshot of everything I did on the computer. Email conversations, blog writings, websites visited, passwords, etc. She also shared this information and access to this new email account with several of her friends so that they could also share in the hilarity that was my life. All that was okay, when I think about it, because after all....she'd been wanting out but she couldn't just leave a "good" man and his two kids without a good reason. That would make her look like a terrible person. She needed evidence of me doing something terrible so she'd look like the victim and the world would accept the decision she had made. Well, thanks to throwing me out that "hook" back in January and the spyware, she had her evidence. And that's fine. I realize, 100% now, that our getting divorced is the BEST thing that could ever happen. If it had all ended then I'd be just fine and dandy today. But it didn't.

She has continued to monitor my on-line activity ever since. Everything I have done; whether emails, web surfing, my visiting dating sites and of course this blog. She's been aware. And to make matters worse, her friends have had access to all of this as well. They had the password to the email account where she was receiving her spyware updates and they could snoop into my activities along with her everyday, all day, as often as they wanted. As I listened to her explain all this to me last night, and as I thought about it more, it occurred to me that everything I have done has been one big farce. Fodder for she and her "pals" to laugh and joke about. The soul searching posts I have written here on this journal, my struggle with the guilt I've felt, my coming to grips with the end of my marriage and most importantly, my attempts to be a sober man have been nothing short of a big ass joke. She, and these friends (yes "ladies" I'm sure you're reading), have thoroughly enjoyed themselves at my expense. And as it always happens, I'm sure they in turn have shared the information with countless others. So now, in actuality, there are God knows how many people reading this who are also getting their kicks off of my struggle. But then again, why should I be surprised? I did start a journal in a public forum after all. But to my defense I didn't put all this out there so that it could be entertainment to people who knowingly wish me ill.

So, where does all this knowledge leave me? What does my future hold? How will this affect the "friendship" she's been claiming she wants to have with me? And most importantly, how will this affect my sobriety? As of 7 am this Thursday morning I don't know the answer to these questions. Until last night I honestly believed she wanted to be friends, and go our separate ways continuing to be good friends. That was until I learned she had continued to invade my privacy non stop up until last night. She had actually read the innocent email conversations I had had as recently as yesterday afternoon. Nothing I did was personal or sacred to me since she and her friends had been reading.

So how will this new info assist in steering this "sober ship" I've been sailing now for 27 days? That's something I also don't know the answer to. Part of me wants to say, screw it and go tie on a big one this evening. Another part says that if I do that she'll be the one that wins. She and her booze hound friends who also share in and laugh at my struggle. I don't know what to do. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile this very well could be the end of this blog. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to think or how to feel. This is too much to handle.

On the road again...

I'm out of town for work. This is the first trip I've taken since my world changed so dramatically the week of Feb. 22nd. I'll be honest and say I've really dreaded having to go. Travel is a BIG part of my career. When I say "big" I mean like anywhere from 3 to 3.5 weeks a month. In the past I'd usually leave on Monday and return on Thursday or by midday on Friday. Jenny was always at home to be there for the kids in the evenings, and sometimes they'd stay with their mother when her schedule allowed. Well now things aren't much different, so I suppose it was time I bit the bullet and got my ass back out there on the road. Jenny is still at the house and can be with the kids in the evenings after school. The only difference is that she'll soon be their "ex step-mother".

I'm working in a coastal community in Florida and staying at a hotel directly on the beach. Unfortunately the weather is a tad bit on the cool side, but it's beautiful never the less. Yesterday evening as I ended my work day, I got a hankering for some crab legs. Next door to my hotel is a fun restaurant that specializes in snow and king crab so around 6:30 I walked next door for dinner.

Being alone and "Mr. Table For One" and all I accepted the hostesses invitation to sit at the bar. I admit I had an initial reservation about sitting there, but I quickly thought about how I couldn't shelter myself forever. So I sat down at the bar close to a group of rowdy women enjoying raw oysters and wine. I ordered a Diet Coke and started looking over the menu.

Turns out these women, and a man that was also with them, were all siblings. Several of them were from out of town. They were 5 of 15 siblings in town for their mother's 85th birthday. I'd say these 5 ranged in ages from early 40's to early 60's. Being the social butterfly that I am I soon was invited to join their group and they continued drinking wine and shooters while I enjoyed my Diet Coke.

I gotta say, I was pretty proud of myself. I ended up hanging with these "crazy kids" till around 10:30 and followed them to even yet another bar and ended up drinking only soft drinks and water. I even successfully turned down several attempts on their part to do shooters with them. If ever I was going to cave and drink alcohol this would have definitely been the opportunity. There was no one anywhere near me who knew me or my situation. No one would have ever known I was (possibly) an alcoholic. I could have drank like the fish I used to be and wouldn't have had to tell a soul that mattered. Jenny back home, or my Dad or sister or the folks at AA would have been none the wiser. But I didn't. And guess what? I actually had fun with these people. We laughed and talked and had a good time. I ended the evening reading in my hotel bed and woke up this morning, five hours after going to sleep, feeling nice and refreshed!

Maybe having to travel again won't be such a bad thing after all...

Three Weeks

Ah, Saturday night. Who knew television was so boring on Saturday nights. I guess I'm just not used to sitting here sober without stuff to watch on TiVo. It was three weeks ago tonight that I took my last drink. Wow, so much has happened in three weeks. It feels like it's been three months.

Three weeks ago tonight I felt like my life was falling apart. I thought then, and for days afterward, that I'd never bounce back. I just knew things would never be the same. Well, guess what? Things aren't the same, but they are shaping up to be alright. I guess Jenny's mantra of "we're going to be alright" is actually true.

Signing those divorce papers yesterday was pretty sobering in itself. Many times over the past few years I've thought about "what it would be like for us to be divorced", but never actually thought it would happen. Sitting there across the table from her while her lawyer explained everything was wild. I just kept thinking how unreal it seemed. I couldn't believe we had come to "that point". The evening before, and even immediately before when we met for lunch before the lawyer appointment, I asked her if this was what she really wanted to do. Even though I knew the answer before I asked, I still felt like I needed to ask. Well, we went on and signed the papers. I put them on the backseat of my car, where they remain still, and she left for her drive back home to Tennessee.

I've tried to keep busy this weekend. I went out and met with a friend for coffee today and had a really nice time. I painted the mailbox post and did some light cleaning around the house. Tonight I grilled out burgers and the kids, and one of my daughter's friends, and I had a nice dinner. Tonight I'm looking forward to starting a new book. Stephen King's newest, Under the Dome. My friend let me borrow it.

I've not been to AA since Tuesday, but I'm honestly not really missing it. I'm not sure what that really means, but I do know that I'm not wanting to drink. The temptation is still non existent. Monday morning I have to head out of town for the first time since I returned from Florida on 2/25. You know, the fateful day I learned Jenny had left me. I'm not really looking forward to having to work out of town, but it's part of the job. I better get back at it. Fortunately she'll be here to help me with the kids while I'm gone. It's still up in the air as to how long she'll be living here with us. But she's welcome as long as she'd like.

Well, that's about it for tonight. More later...

Continued Co-habitation

The last couple days have been busy with work and then home activities. As I mentioned on the last post I'm sleeping upstairs in the guest room while she takes up the master suite. I'm still keeping all my clothes down there and using the master bath for showers and getting ready. Just sleeping and ending my nights up here where I currently sit writing this post.

She and I went and did some shopping today. Found a beautiful quilt on sale for $99, as well as a bedside lamp. The guest room is gradually shaping up to be a pretty comfortable place for me. I love the king sized mattress, it's quite comfortable. This weekend, while she's gone back home for a visit with her mom and friends, I'll continue to do some "fixing up" to make the room even better. There's already a fairly fresh coat of paint on the walls. The soon to be ex (I think I'll give her a name from here on out - Jenny) and I continue to get along just fine. There was a slight bump in the road last night where I got a bit down and she could tell. I explained to her that I was totally in agreement with the divorce. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that she's pretty much my best friend and I'm going to miss her. You just can't live with someone for 7 years and, even though it wasn't always great, we still had our share of some good quality times. It depresses me to think that it'll all be coming to an end someday soon and that we'll probably, in all actuality, never see each other again. It can be hard for me to accept that she's all excited about moving on and I'm struggling with the knowledge, even though I know it's best for both of us. I'm sure this will be something that will come in time.

Tonight we did some more talking. She's adamant that we remain the best of friends. Forever. She wants to keep in touch, once she's gone, and see each other every so often. She wants to remain a part of the children's lives and keep in touch with them as well. She's just very excited to be able to begin her life again back home in Tennessee. Jenny has said that she's going to turn 40 this year and she wants this to be "her year" to do all the things she's missed out on over the past few years. She's said she knows without a doubt that I'm really a good man, a good friend, good dad and that everything is going to work out for the best for both of us. She's said, "you're a good looking, sexy guy and you'll have no trouble attracting women who are going to want to be with you". But most of all, tonight at dinner, she looked me in the eyes and said, with total conviction, that she forgives me for what I did. She then went on to again stress that she wants to be friends.

Sounds good to me! It's hard to believe it's been three weeks today since she moved out.

I've not been able to attend AA Meetings over the past two days. I won't be able to go to my regular one tomorrow either. I've got to meet her around 1pm to sign the divorce papers, then she'll be leaving to go spend the weekend back home in Tennessee again.

I'm still sober, and tomorrow will be 20 days! It's hard to believe it's been that long so far and I'm so thankful that I've not craved the booze in the least.

I'll post again this weekend, and maybe it'll be time to put down for the record what exactly it was that caused our break up. Till then, TGIF!

Premature Thoughts?

This evening my, soon to be ex, wife and I took the kids out to dinner. Daughter's boyfriend joined us and we had a nice meal and time together. It was just like the good old days, only everyone was sober and no one was bitching at each other. It was great, and quite filling. I had a taco filled with beef brisket. Quite delicious.

Today I've been busy with work and I attended my daily AA Meeting. It was pretty good, but not the best I've been to. Everything just seemed kinda disorganized. I found myself, for the first time, watching the clock and waiting for it to be over.

On my way home from the meeting I spoke with a good buddy from Tennessee and caught him up on all that's been going on. I told him how, (and this very well may be a dangerous statement on my part), I've began to question if I'm actually really an alcoholic. While it's true I've been a nearly daily drinker for the past 5 years, give or take, it's only been over the past two years that I've drank more than just a few each day. And only over the past year that I've drank heavily. I don't know. It's certain that I have/had a problem, it's just that I have had zero desire to drink. Maybe it's just the stress of the divorce, who knows.

Okay, maybe saying or thinking this is a bit premature on my part, but I'm just putting it out there. I'm certainly not going to test my theory. It's just a thought...

Everything continues to go GREAT with the wife. We're getting along just fine. Who would have thought we could be such good friends? I guess the absence of booze and the knowledge that it'll all be over soon has been a stress reliever. We're living here together, talking, working on financial stuff, making plans, etc and it's all good.

Then again it's only been three days. Maybe, like the lack of desire for booze, I'm speaking too soon...

The Weekend...

It's Monday morning, bright and early, and I got to say, this has been one helluva a weekend. So much has happened. Where to begin?

I've already written about Friday and how my wife came over for a visit so we could take care of our checking account and other finances. I've recorded how it was a nice time and how we got along just fine and cleared the air on a lot of different things. We had a nice dinner, watched some tv and talked. It was all good.

Saturday morning I woke up at early again at 4:15. I was sitting out here in the living room messing around on the computer and watching tv when, at 7am on the dot, my wife called my cell phone. I answered and could tell there was something she wanted to tell or ask me.

Over the past week or so she's been living in the house of a single mother friend of her's. This friend has really fallen on hard times and is having to go bankrupt, give up her house and car and move to Tennessee to begin a new life. She used to earn a lot of money and her house is huge and very nice. My wife has been allowed to live there with her, through the end of the month when, at that time, the bank will take back the home. Well, Saturday was the day that this friend was needing to rent a U-haul truck, load the truck with what furniture and stuff she wanted to take, and head out of state to her new home. My wife called me Saturday morning to ask two questions, and I could tell it wasn't easy for her to ask. This friend only has a few hundred dollars to her name and can't afford to get the truck. The wife asked if I'd be willing to charge the truck fees on one of my credit cards and then come and help her friend load the furniture. Evidently all of the friend's friends had bailed on helping her, other than my wife. I've been learning in AA how important it is to help others, so I jumped at the chance to do what I could.

I headed up to the house, picked up the wife and friend and we went to get the truck. The friend drove the truck on to her house and my wife and I went and got a bite of breakfast together. The conversation centered around the hard times of the friend and how thankful the wife was that I was willing to help out. After we ate we went to a part of town where men wait on the street corners to be hired for a days labor and picked up two of them. $10 an hour per guy seemed very reasonable. The wife, me and the two laborers headed to the friend's house and began about five hours of furniture moving and box packing.

After wards I came back home, cleaned up a little around the house and waited for my wife come over to watch the college basketball games. She did, but soon asked if she could go take a shower and then a nap. Well of course, it is still her house after all. I continued to watch tv and screw around on-line for the next three plus hours while she slept. When she woke up we watched about an hour of tv and then she had to go. We did spend more time talking. Talking about us, our past, the things that have happened and how optimistic she is about our individual futures. She left, asking if she could come back over on Sunday, and I ended the evening feeling good about all that had transpired throughout the day.

Sunday I was up by 7. I actually got about seven hours of sleep Saturday night. Finally! It felt good. I didn't hear anything from my wife until around 1pm. She called asking if she could come back over. She said that she had frozen last night, that she couldn't get the heat to work in the friend's house and that the hot water wasn't working either. I surmised that the friend had probably not paid the gas bill and that's probably why there wasn't any heat. Turns out I was right. My wife came over, bringing some lunch, took a bath and then went into our (now my) bedroom to take a nap.

When she woke up she began talking about how she dreads having to stay over at the friends. This week we're supposed to have some unseasonably cold weather and it's going to suck being there without any heat or hot water. I just looked her in the eye and told her that she should just stay here for the night. She's been hesitant to discuss moving back in because, as she puts it, her leaving that day was a big step for her. She has feared that coming back, or moving in again, might over rule all she's done to work her way towards being single and independent.

I looked at her and just put it all out there. I told her that it's extremely evident that we're done. We're through. We both know that being divorced is the best thing for everyone involved. I'm sober now and have changed 100% in just about every way. She's got plans for her future, good plans that involve her possibly moving back to her hometown, living with her mother and going back to work at her old job. These are all good things. Then I told her that this house and everything in it are still her's. Until the divorce is final she's entitled to the entire property. In reality she should be able to live here all she wants. Well, I suppose she agreed because she left here to go get some of her stuff from the friend's house and was back by 8pm.

We ended up watching tv, as usual, and around 10pm we went to bed. She in our master bedroom and me upstairs in the guest room. This morning I was up by 6:15 and she was already half way to being ready to leave for work. I'm not sure how long she's staying. Based on our conversations it's possible she may continue living here till the divorce is final. You know what? If she decides to do so it'll be fine with me. I can honestly say I'm okay. We've had ample time to discuss all thats happened over the past three weeks and I've had the chance to change and take the steps I've needed to heal and forgive myself for the things I've done. We're friends, and that's a good thing. I think we can do this. As she's fond of saying, "we're going to be alright".

Due to the events of the weekend I was unable to attend any AA Meetings. That kind of sucked, but I'll get back to them today. I didn't have a drop of alcohol though and I've now crossed into my 16th day of sobriety. I'm still feeling good and not craving it at all.

My kids are out this week for spring break. As of now I'll be working in town, with possibly a trip out of town around mid week. We'll see. I'm not sure I'm ready to do the hotel living thing again so soon, but I do have to get out there at some point. If not this week, next week for sure.

The wife comes a'callin'...

I didn't have too good a day today. Partially because I slept so little last night, partially because I had a crap load of work to get through and also due to what I had planned for this evening. All day long I stressed over the wife coming to the house tonight. I was so worried about how it would go. How would I feel once I was again in the same room with her?

She came over this past Tuesday morning, brought breakfast and we discussed finances and the divorce and a bit about how it all came to this point. It was a pretty okay time and I think I handled it well. I've known all week that she planned on coming back on Friday to do some laundry, write out some checks and settle some matters related to the divorce. I've known, but I've dreaded it.

She called me today as I was driving to my AA Meeting and confirmed the evening. She suggested we make dinner, a fiery shrimp and grits dish she's been wanting to try. I agreed and told her I'd pick up the ingredients after the meeting. I got home, worked some more and waited for her call letting me know she was on her way. The kids were to be with their mother tonight, so I knew we'd be alone. I didn't know if this fact would be a good thing or potentially bad.

It turns out it was just fine. We actually had a good time together. We got to talk about a lot of stuff related to the end of our marriage. She brought over the divorce papers she had gotten from her attorney and I checked them out and pretty much agree with what she's proposing. She's being extremely fair. We made dinner together, she did laundry, we ate and watched shows I'd saved on TiVo. We also, as usual, discussed our financial situation and its future. To make a long story short, we're friends and we're going to remain friends. She said she'd always love me, but admitted that she hadn't been "in love" with me for a while now. Standing there listening to her say that did sting a little at first, but as I thought about it I just had to agree. I definitely feel the same way.

Overall it was a nice evening. The shrimp was excellent, although a tad bit too spicy. She's looking good and I really appreciate all she's done/is doing to make this whole deal as smooth and fair as possible.

Now...I think it's time for me to drag my tired, sober ass to bed! Tonight is the first night I've been totally lone since this all started.

TGIF baby!