Thursday, March 25, 2010

Too much to handle...

Well I said before in earlier posts that I was going to put down here in words exactly what happened to bring about the end of my marriage. Guess what? Today's the day. I'm going to put it all out there. In total honesty. Nothing I'm going to say will be untrue. Why am I so hell bent on doing this now? Well, it's because I've learned last evening that I've been made a fool of. That the past three and a half weeks of my life, of my sober life, have been just a big farce and joke for the benefit of only a handful, that I know of, of people who have gotten their kicks off of this mess of a life that I lead. More about that later...

First of all it should be known that my marriage hasn't been good for a while now. As she says it's been at least the last two years that have been real bad. She claims to have wanted out for that long, but was afraid to take the steps because of our debt and financial situation. She's said that she had plans to pay off a major amount of debt then leave me within a year or two.

Now follow along and take a step back with me into January of this year. But before I go any further let me just say a couple things: I am a very sexual person. Yes, I'm a man but in the second half of last year I lost a ton of weight and my libido increased incredibly. I'm talking 18 year old kid libido here folks. I went from a grandpa's interest in sex to a high school kids interest in the course of a few short months. She hated this, but put up with it to a degree. She would usually indulge me my advances, albeit usually grudgingly, and lay there till the job was complete. At the time I thought her lack of interest was only because she wasn't a "sexual person". Of course now I know it was because she didn't love me and was spending much of everyday figuring out how she could get the F out of the marriage.

Well by mid January she had formulated a plan. We were standing in the kitchen, having cocktails as usual, and I leaned up against her, pressing myself into her, and made some sort of overtures about wanting to "knock a piece out". Then the shit hit the fan. She went off. Spouting about how she hated having sex with me, how I wanted it too much, how she would be happy with only doing it once a week/five times a month at the most. She said a lot of other things, but finished it off with the hook. She said (and this is pretty much word for word) "why don't you find yourself a girlfriend, someone to f**k you when you need it, just be safe and wear a condom". Yep, she tossed me the hook but little did I know then that she'd soon have me "hook, line and sinker".

Over the next three or four weeks I traveled a lot, as usual. She even went out of town for work for two nights. During this time I met about 6 women. Most were pretty innocent encounters, well not so innocent when you consider the fact that I was a married man, but okay when you're a married man with permission. There wasn't much that happened with four of the six, but with two of them I did go all the way. I was incredibly drunk when I was with each of these women, but still in my drunk mind I wasn't too concerned. After all, I had permission.

Well then the fateful week of Feb 22nd happened. The week I went out of town to Florida, the week she left me. Everything since then is well documented here on this journal. Even up until recently when she moved back in and wanted to be "friends". She explained to me, several times over the past three plus weeks, about how she was sitting here at home that Wednesday the 24th minding her own business when she received an anonymous call from a woman claiming that I was cheating on her and how I had a website describing my extramarital exploits. I did have a website, or a blog actually. It was in creation for a total of 6 days and had about 6 or 7 posts on it until I deleted it. Yes it was stupid of me to start, but I've always been a writer and the thought of writing about my adventures on the road appealed to me. Of the 6 or 7 blog posts I had written, only one "sexual adventure" was true. The rest of the posts were just "getting to know me and my situation" type of entries. That one sexual adventure was a, very exaggerated, version of one of the two affairs I had had since the permission had been given.

Well this was my belief of the events that lead to the end of my marriage, up until last night. This was the reason why, in so many other posts here, I've bemoaned the fact that I just can't forgive the things I've done and how I'm such a bad person, etc. Well last night I learned the truth. And this truth has literally upset the apple cart of everything I've come to feel, understand and believe over the past three plus weeks.

Last night we spent a good period of time once again discussing this mystery person who called her that Wednesday night. Who it could be, who I may have told about the blog, and why this person might have called. I even went as far as to break out my expense report to go over which restaurants and bars I had been in during the time I was on the road to try to piece together exactly who it may have been that I could have drunkenly blabbed my secrets to.

Well finally, after a couple hours of this discussion, she came clean. She informed me that she had suspected I was doing something and on the afternoon of Feb 21st, before I left to go out of town, she had taken my computer and downloaded spyware onto it. Spyware that would send to her newly created email account a snapshot of everything I did on the computer. Email conversations, blog writings, websites visited, passwords, etc. She also shared this information and access to this new email account with several of her friends so that they could also share in the hilarity that was my life. All that was okay, when I think about it, because after all....she'd been wanting out but she couldn't just leave a "good" man and his two kids without a good reason. That would make her look like a terrible person. She needed evidence of me doing something terrible so she'd look like the victim and the world would accept the decision she had made. Well, thanks to throwing me out that "hook" back in January and the spyware, she had her evidence. And that's fine. I realize, 100% now, that our getting divorced is the BEST thing that could ever happen. If it had all ended then I'd be just fine and dandy today. But it didn't.

She has continued to monitor my on-line activity ever since. Everything I have done; whether emails, web surfing, my visiting dating sites and of course this blog. She's been aware. And to make matters worse, her friends have had access to all of this as well. They had the password to the email account where she was receiving her spyware updates and they could snoop into my activities along with her everyday, all day, as often as they wanted. As I listened to her explain all this to me last night, and as I thought about it more, it occurred to me that everything I have done has been one big farce. Fodder for she and her "pals" to laugh and joke about. The soul searching posts I have written here on this journal, my struggle with the guilt I've felt, my coming to grips with the end of my marriage and most importantly, my attempts to be a sober man have been nothing short of a big ass joke. She, and these friends (yes "ladies" I'm sure you're reading), have thoroughly enjoyed themselves at my expense. And as it always happens, I'm sure they in turn have shared the information with countless others. So now, in actuality, there are God knows how many people reading this who are also getting their kicks off of my struggle. But then again, why should I be surprised? I did start a journal in a public forum after all. But to my defense I didn't put all this out there so that it could be entertainment to people who knowingly wish me ill.

So, where does all this knowledge leave me? What does my future hold? How will this affect the "friendship" she's been claiming she wants to have with me? And most importantly, how will this affect my sobriety? As of 7 am this Thursday morning I don't know the answer to these questions. Until last night I honestly believed she wanted to be friends, and go our separate ways continuing to be good friends. That was until I learned she had continued to invade my privacy non stop up until last night. She had actually read the innocent email conversations I had had as recently as yesterday afternoon. Nothing I did was personal or sacred to me since she and her friends had been reading.

So how will this new info assist in steering this "sober ship" I've been sailing now for 27 days? That's something I also don't know the answer to. Part of me wants to say, screw it and go tie on a big one this evening. Another part says that if I do that she'll be the one that wins. She and her booze hound friends who also share in and laugh at my struggle. I don't know what to do. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile this very well could be the end of this blog. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to think or how to feel. This is too much to handle.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

On the road again...

I'm out of town for work. This is the first trip I've taken since my world changed so dramatically the week of Feb. 22nd. I'll be honest and say I've really dreaded having to go. Travel is a BIG part of my career. When I say "big" I mean like anywhere from 3 to 3.5 weeks a month. In the past I'd usually leave on Monday and return on Thursday or by midday on Friday. Jenny was always at home to be there for the kids in the evenings, and sometimes they'd stay with their mother when her schedule allowed. Well now things aren't much different, so I suppose it was time I bit the bullet and got my ass back out there on the road. Jenny is still at the house and can be with the kids in the evenings after school. The only difference is that she'll soon be their "ex step-mother".

I'm working in a coastal community in Florida and staying at a hotel directly on the beach. Unfortunately the weather is a tad bit on the cool side, but it's beautiful never the less. Yesterday evening as I ended my work day, I got a hankering for some crab legs. Next door to my hotel is a fun restaurant that specializes in snow and king crab so around 6:30 I walked next door for dinner.

Being alone and "Mr. Table For One" and all I accepted the hostesses invitation to sit at the bar. I admit I had an initial reservation about sitting there, but I quickly thought about how I couldn't shelter myself forever. So I sat down at the bar close to a group of rowdy women enjoying raw oysters and wine. I ordered a Diet Coke and started looking over the menu.

Turns out these women, and a man that was also with them, were all siblings. Several of them were from out of town. They were 5 of 15 siblings in town for their mother's 85th birthday. I'd say these 5 ranged in ages from early 40's to early 60's. Being the social butterfly that I am I soon was invited to join their group and they continued drinking wine and shooters while I enjoyed my Diet Coke.

I gotta say, I was pretty proud of myself. I ended up hanging with these "crazy kids" till around 10:30 and followed them to even yet another bar and ended up drinking only soft drinks and water. I even successfully turned down several attempts on their part to do shooters with them. If ever I was going to cave and drink alcohol this would have definitely been the opportunity. There was no one anywhere near me who knew me or my situation. No one would have ever known I was (possibly) an alcoholic. I could have drank like the fish I used to be and wouldn't have had to tell a soul that mattered. Jenny back home, or my Dad or sister or the folks at AA would have been none the wiser. But I didn't. And guess what? I actually had fun with these people. We laughed and talked and had a good time. I ended the evening reading in my hotel bed and woke up this morning, five hours after going to sleep, feeling nice and refreshed!

Maybe having to travel again won't be such a bad thing after all...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Three Weeks

Ah, Saturday night. Who knew television was so boring on Saturday nights. I guess I'm just not used to sitting here sober without stuff to watch on TiVo. It was three weeks ago tonight that I took my last drink. Wow, so much has happened in three weeks. It feels like it's been three months.

Three weeks ago tonight I felt like my life was falling apart. I thought then, and for days afterward, that I'd never bounce back. I just knew things would never be the same. Well, guess what? Things aren't the same, but they are shaping up to be alright. I guess Jenny's mantra of "we're going to be alright" is actually true.

Signing those divorce papers yesterday was pretty sobering in itself. Many times over the past few years I've thought about "what it would be like for us to be divorced", but never actually thought it would happen. Sitting there across the table from her while her lawyer explained everything was wild. I just kept thinking how unreal it seemed. I couldn't believe we had come to "that point". The evening before, and even immediately before when we met for lunch before the lawyer appointment, I asked her if this was what she really wanted to do. Even though I knew the answer before I asked, I still felt like I needed to ask. Well, we went on and signed the papers. I put them on the backseat of my car, where they remain still, and she left for her drive back home to Tennessee.

I've tried to keep busy this weekend. I went out and met with a friend for coffee today and had a really nice time. I painted the mailbox post and did some light cleaning around the house. Tonight I grilled out burgers and the kids, and one of my daughter's friends, and I had a nice dinner. Tonight I'm looking forward to starting a new book. Stephen King's newest, Under the Dome. My friend let me borrow it.

I've not been to AA since Tuesday, but I'm honestly not really missing it. I'm not sure what that really means, but I do know that I'm not wanting to drink. The temptation is still non existent. Monday morning I have to head out of town for the first time since I returned from Florida on 2/25. You know, the fateful day I learned Jenny had left me. I'm not really looking forward to having to work out of town, but it's part of the job. I better get back at it. Fortunately she'll be here to help me with the kids while I'm gone. It's still up in the air as to how long she'll be living here with us. But she's welcome as long as she'd like.

Well, that's about it for tonight. More later...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Continued Co-habitation

The last couple days have been busy with work and then home activities. As I mentioned on the last post I'm sleeping upstairs in the guest room while she takes up the master suite. I'm still keeping all my clothes down there and using the master bath for showers and getting ready. Just sleeping and ending my nights up here where I currently sit writing this post.

She and I went and did some shopping today. Found a beautiful quilt on sale for $99, as well as a bedside lamp. The guest room is gradually shaping up to be a pretty comfortable place for me. I love the king sized mattress, it's quite comfortable. This weekend, while she's gone back home for a visit with her mom and friends, I'll continue to do some "fixing up" to make the room even better. There's already a fairly fresh coat of paint on the walls. The soon to be ex (I think I'll give her a name from here on out - Jenny) and I continue to get along just fine. There was a slight bump in the road last night where I got a bit down and she could tell. I explained to her that I was totally in agreement with the divorce. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that she's pretty much my best friend and I'm going to miss her. You just can't live with someone for 7 years and, even though it wasn't always great, we still had our share of some good quality times. It depresses me to think that it'll all be coming to an end someday soon and that we'll probably, in all actuality, never see each other again. It can be hard for me to accept that she's all excited about moving on and I'm struggling with the knowledge, even though I know it's best for both of us. I'm sure this will be something that will come in time.

Tonight we did some more talking. She's adamant that we remain the best of friends. Forever. She wants to keep in touch, once she's gone, and see each other every so often. She wants to remain a part of the children's lives and keep in touch with them as well. She's just very excited to be able to begin her life again back home in Tennessee. Jenny has said that she's going to turn 40 this year and she wants this to be "her year" to do all the things she's missed out on over the past few years. She's said she knows without a doubt that I'm really a good man, a good friend, good dad and that everything is going to work out for the best for both of us. She's said, "you're a good looking, sexy guy and you'll have no trouble attracting women who are going to want to be with you". But most of all, tonight at dinner, she looked me in the eyes and said, with total conviction, that she forgives me for what I did. She then went on to again stress that she wants to be friends.

Sounds good to me! It's hard to believe it's been three weeks today since she moved out.

I've not been able to attend AA Meetings over the past two days. I won't be able to go to my regular one tomorrow either. I've got to meet her around 1pm to sign the divorce papers, then she'll be leaving to go spend the weekend back home in Tennessee again.

I'm still sober, and tomorrow will be 20 days! It's hard to believe it's been that long so far and I'm so thankful that I've not craved the booze in the least.

I'll post again this weekend, and maybe it'll be time to put down for the record what exactly it was that caused our break up. Till then, TGIF!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Premature Thoughts?

This evening my, soon to be ex, wife and I took the kids out to dinner. Daughter's boyfriend joined us and we had a nice meal and time together. It was just like the good old days, only everyone was sober and no one was bitching at each other. It was great, and quite filling. I had a taco filled with beef brisket. Quite delicious.

Today I've been busy with work and I attended my daily AA Meeting. It was pretty good, but not the best I've been to. Everything just seemed kinda disorganized. I found myself, for the first time, watching the clock and waiting for it to be over.

On my way home from the meeting I spoke with a good buddy from Tennessee and caught him up on all that's been going on. I told him how, (and this very well may be a dangerous statement on my part), I've began to question if I'm actually really an alcoholic. While it's true I've been a nearly daily drinker for the past 5 years, give or take, it's only been over the past two years that I've drank more than just a few each day. And only over the past year that I've drank heavily. I don't know. It's certain that I have/had a problem, it's just that I have had zero desire to drink. Maybe it's just the stress of the divorce, who knows.

Okay, maybe saying or thinking this is a bit premature on my part, but I'm just putting it out there. I'm certainly not going to test my theory. It's just a thought...

Everything continues to go GREAT with the wife. We're getting along just fine. Who would have thought we could be such good friends? I guess the absence of booze and the knowledge that it'll all be over soon has been a stress reliever. We're living here together, talking, working on financial stuff, making plans, etc and it's all good.

Then again it's only been three days. Maybe, like the lack of desire for booze, I'm speaking too soon...

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Weekend...

It's Monday morning, bright and early, and I got to say, this has been one helluva a weekend. So much has happened. Where to begin?

I've already written about Friday and how my wife came over for a visit so we could take care of our checking account and other finances. I've recorded how it was a nice time and how we got along just fine and cleared the air on a lot of different things. We had a nice dinner, watched some tv and talked. It was all good.

Saturday morning I woke up at early again at 4:15. I was sitting out here in the living room messing around on the computer and watching tv when, at 7am on the dot, my wife called my cell phone. I answered and could tell there was something she wanted to tell or ask me.

Over the past week or so she's been living in the house of a single mother friend of her's. This friend has really fallen on hard times and is having to go bankrupt, give up her house and car and move to Tennessee to begin a new life. She used to earn a lot of money and her house is huge and very nice. My wife has been allowed to live there with her, through the end of the month when, at that time, the bank will take back the home. Well, Saturday was the day that this friend was needing to rent a U-haul truck, load the truck with what furniture and stuff she wanted to take, and head out of state to her new home. My wife called me Saturday morning to ask two questions, and I could tell it wasn't easy for her to ask. This friend only has a few hundred dollars to her name and can't afford to get the truck. The wife asked if I'd be willing to charge the truck fees on one of my credit cards and then come and help her friend load the furniture. Evidently all of the friend's friends had bailed on helping her, other than my wife. I've been learning in AA how important it is to help others, so I jumped at the chance to do what I could.

I headed up to the house, picked up the wife and friend and we went to get the truck. The friend drove the truck on to her house and my wife and I went and got a bite of breakfast together. The conversation centered around the hard times of the friend and how thankful the wife was that I was willing to help out. After we ate we went to a part of town where men wait on the street corners to be hired for a days labor and picked up two of them. $10 an hour per guy seemed very reasonable. The wife, me and the two laborers headed to the friend's house and began about five hours of furniture moving and box packing.

After wards I came back home, cleaned up a little around the house and waited for my wife come over to watch the college basketball games. She did, but soon asked if she could go take a shower and then a nap. Well of course, it is still her house after all. I continued to watch tv and screw around on-line for the next three plus hours while she slept. When she woke up we watched about an hour of tv and then she had to go. We did spend more time talking. Talking about us, our past, the things that have happened and how optimistic she is about our individual futures. She left, asking if she could come back over on Sunday, and I ended the evening feeling good about all that had transpired throughout the day.

Sunday I was up by 7. I actually got about seven hours of sleep Saturday night. Finally! It felt good. I didn't hear anything from my wife until around 1pm. She called asking if she could come back over. She said that she had frozen last night, that she couldn't get the heat to work in the friend's house and that the hot water wasn't working either. I surmised that the friend had probably not paid the gas bill and that's probably why there wasn't any heat. Turns out I was right. My wife came over, bringing some lunch, took a bath and then went into our (now my) bedroom to take a nap.

When she woke up she began talking about how she dreads having to stay over at the friends. This week we're supposed to have some unseasonably cold weather and it's going to suck being there without any heat or hot water. I just looked her in the eye and told her that she should just stay here for the night. She's been hesitant to discuss moving back in because, as she puts it, her leaving that day was a big step for her. She has feared that coming back, or moving in again, might over rule all she's done to work her way towards being single and independent.

I looked at her and just put it all out there. I told her that it's extremely evident that we're done. We're through. We both know that being divorced is the best thing for everyone involved. I'm sober now and have changed 100% in just about every way. She's got plans for her future, good plans that involve her possibly moving back to her hometown, living with her mother and going back to work at her old job. These are all good things. Then I told her that this house and everything in it are still her's. Until the divorce is final she's entitled to the entire property. In reality she should be able to live here all she wants. Well, I suppose she agreed because she left here to go get some of her stuff from the friend's house and was back by 8pm.

We ended up watching tv, as usual, and around 10pm we went to bed. She in our master bedroom and me upstairs in the guest room. This morning I was up by 6:15 and she was already half way to being ready to leave for work. I'm not sure how long she's staying. Based on our conversations it's possible she may continue living here till the divorce is final. You know what? If she decides to do so it'll be fine with me. I can honestly say I'm okay. We've had ample time to discuss all thats happened over the past three weeks and I've had the chance to change and take the steps I've needed to heal and forgive myself for the things I've done. We're friends, and that's a good thing. I think we can do this. As she's fond of saying, "we're going to be alright".

Due to the events of the weekend I was unable to attend any AA Meetings. That kind of sucked, but I'll get back to them today. I didn't have a drop of alcohol though and I've now crossed into my 16th day of sobriety. I'm still feeling good and not craving it at all.

My kids are out this week for spring break. As of now I'll be working in town, with possibly a trip out of town around mid week. We'll see. I'm not sure I'm ready to do the hotel living thing again so soon, but I do have to get out there at some point. If not this week, next week for sure.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The wife comes a'callin'...

I didn't have too good a day today. Partially because I slept so little last night, partially because I had a crap load of work to get through and also due to what I had planned for this evening. All day long I stressed over the wife coming to the house tonight. I was so worried about how it would go. How would I feel once I was again in the same room with her?

She came over this past Tuesday morning, brought breakfast and we discussed finances and the divorce and a bit about how it all came to this point. It was a pretty okay time and I think I handled it well. I've known all week that she planned on coming back on Friday to do some laundry, write out some checks and settle some matters related to the divorce. I've known, but I've dreaded it.

She called me today as I was driving to my AA Meeting and confirmed the evening. She suggested we make dinner, a fiery shrimp and grits dish she's been wanting to try. I agreed and told her I'd pick up the ingredients after the meeting. I got home, worked some more and waited for her call letting me know she was on her way. The kids were to be with their mother tonight, so I knew we'd be alone. I didn't know if this fact would be a good thing or potentially bad.

It turns out it was just fine. We actually had a good time together. We got to talk about a lot of stuff related to the end of our marriage. She brought over the divorce papers she had gotten from her attorney and I checked them out and pretty much agree with what she's proposing. She's being extremely fair. We made dinner together, she did laundry, we ate and watched shows I'd saved on TiVo. We also, as usual, discussed our financial situation and its future. To make a long story short, we're friends and we're going to remain friends. She said she'd always love me, but admitted that she hadn't been "in love" with me for a while now. Standing there listening to her say that did sting a little at first, but as I thought about it I just had to agree. I definitely feel the same way.

Overall it was a nice evening. The shrimp was excellent, although a tad bit too spicy. She's looking good and I really appreciate all she's done/is doing to make this whole deal as smooth and fair as possible.

Now...I think it's time for me to drag my tired, sober ass to bed! Tonight is the first night I've been totally lone since this all started.

TGIF baby!

Insomnia

This sucks. Second day in a row that I've woke up way too early. Yesterday at 4:15 and today at 3:33. I wake up and just lay there thinking. Thinking of all that's happened and all that is yet to come. I know there's nothing I can do about the past and can only trust that the future will be good, but still my mind races.

This has got to end.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Page 86

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.


In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.


This is a direct quote (only a small portion from the two pages) from page 86 of The Big Book. Yesterday my Sponsor suggested I begin my day each day reading these pages and meditating and such. I did this morning. The fact that I woke up at 4:15 and couldn't get back to sleep helped a little.

Then the cool thing is that today, in the Meeting, the subject of our group discussion was this very section of the Book. Weird how that stuff works out sometime. I spoke right up and told of my experience earlier in the day and then got to listen to a bunch of other peeps tell their views as well. It was awesome!

Well tonight it's just me and the boy. We went shopping for some summer clothes then had dinner together at the restaurant which happens to be the last place the wife and I ate out together. It went okay. They sat us in the bar area and at first I cringed, but it went just fine.

I'm concerned that I may be drinking too much water. I figure I'm drinking at least two gallons a day and lately I've been having a dull ache in my bladder area. Even after I pee. Maybe I should chillax a little on the aqua consumption...

There has been a few developments in the divorce proceedings. Overall it's pretty positive. I've also had several opportunities to have some good conversations with my wife. I'm feeling really good about it all. As she's been saying now for two weeks, "we're gonna be alright", and I gotta say I agree. It still feels weird, knowing it's all going to be over, but I know it's for the best. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually saying this after what all I've written in past posts. Maybe I should shut up now before I jinx things.

I am going to write about all this marriage and divorce stuff at some point. I just think I'll be able to deal with putting it down in my journal better once I'm a little further away from it, kwim?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Admitting...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

The first step. I've been thinking about this a lot today. It seems like such a no brainer, yet nothing will work in the program without taking this step. Believe it or not I've been struggling with the first part. Yes, I'm having a little bit of trouble with admitting I'm powerless over alcohol. It's hard for me to say it with certainty, especially when I've had so little difficulty (so far) with kicking it out of my life. But then again I just have to think about how things were prior to eleven days ago. Looking back it's easy to see I was definitely powerless. Alcohol pretty much dominated my day everyday. I would avoid certain places to eat if I knew they didn't have a well stocked bar or draft selection. My wife and I used to occasionally go out on the weekends, shopping at the mall or other stores and we'd often end up at a local restaurant or sports bar and the booze would be a'callin'. Football games on tv? Not fun without drinking. Hell, I've even turned down sex, sometimes, in the evening or in the morning because I felt too drunk/sleepy/fuzzy brained to want to put the effort into it. That's some major "powerlessness" right there man.

So, with that being the case it's quite evident that the alcohol most certainly made my life unmanageable. Just take a look at where I was two weeks ago. Thanks to the alcohol ruling my life, and blinding my decision making abilities, I did a few things that I'm definitely not proud of. I've neglected so many parts of my life thanks to the booze. God, it sickens me to even think about it. But I'll have to as I continue to take an inventory of my life. I know that that's important for my recovery to be real.

Okay...enough about that. I think I'll list ten things that are currently making me happy. After some events that have happened over the past hour I feel like I need to think of some fun things for a change.

1. The new show Parenthood.
2. Cooking and eating dinner with my son (and daughter too when she's here).
3. A clean house.
4. Ice water with lots of lemon and lime.
5. New friends and feeling welcomed and a part of something bigger than myself.
6. Being clear minded enough at night to be able to read in bed.
7. Head Slick shaving cream and Head Lube lotion.
8. Old friends and family.
9. Watching family sitcoms at night with my son.
10. Patricia Heaton.

It's poured down rain now for about 24 hours. The flooding is terrible. Hope it ends sometime soon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

FEAR

What a busy day this has been...

First of all, my AA meeting this afternoon was awesome! It's just so incredible how every time I go (and I've been 7 days in a row) the subject matter discussed has been so fitting to what I'm dealing with. Today it was "fear". How appropriate. Evidently once I begin working the Steps and get to number four I'll have to begin to deal with my fears. The fourth step says:


4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Wow, I could write a book on this one. I realized today that I do have a lot of fear in my life. I'm afraid of what I'll become. How will I manage as a single man, a single parent, in life? I haven't been totally single since the 10th grade. That was like, 5 years ago. No, seriously it's been a little longer than that...

I'm afraid of being alone. Sitting here in my living room, or hotel room, at night watching television and not having someone sitting "over there" next to me to occasionally talk to. Someone to go places with, lay by the pool, walk on the beach. Someone to be in bed with. Someone to discuss the good possibilities of the future with. Yes, I know I have the kids, but they can't take the place of a partner.

I fear the thought that people may think badly of me, or think I'm something or someone I'm not. Of course I know that this one is already happening in certain circles, but still I hate it. I've always wanted to be a pleaser, to most, and simply can't stand knowing someone (like in business for example) may think I'm sub par. Hell, I wouldn't have even walked down the isle with my first wife if I hadn't been afraid of what people would think had I not.

I have a huge fear of failure. Surprisingly enough this fear has only come about full strength since I've been sober. I've already failed my wife, and now I have to focus on not continuing to fail my kids and myself. I have to be a success (or put 100% into it) in everything I attempt; parent, employee, manager, neighbor, son, brother and friend.

I'm afraid of being tempted to drink again. One of these days it's going to happen, it always does. I can't shield myself from everyone who is gonna want to "go have a drink after work". Right now I can sit here and say I'm totally not desiring a drink in the least, but the odds are against me. It's gonna happen. I'm afraid of how I'll react when that time comes.

Okay, that's enough about fear for one night. Remember that, although I may sound down in this post, I'm actually feeling quite up and positive tonight.

Made a nice dinner for me and the kids tonight. Rotisserie chicken, stuffing, lima beans and rolls. Was pretty dang good. The boyfriend just came by after getting off work and ate, with my daughter smiling and looking on. There was a lot more that occurred today, but I'm zonked and better STFU for now. Tomorrow I start back to work after being off since Friday, Feb 26th. It's gonna be a busy next few days. I'm dreading it big time...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Ready for Step # 1?

Today was a good day. The weather was beautiful and in the low 70's. Such a nice change after all the crappy cold we've had. I guess Spring is right around the corner. And that makes me think of all the extra work I'll have to do. I'm going to do some serious landscaping this year. I've been too lazy, or drunk, to care much about it in years past. Not so this year. I'll be a flower planting fool! Also, I'm going to cut my own grass this year for the first time in probably four. We've always hired a service to cut it, but doubt that will be an option this summer now that I'm all living on a budget and shitz.

Went to my sixth consecutive AA Meeting today. It was cool. They separated the men and women and we each had our own discussion time. I got to see some of the guys I've become friendly with and even met a couple others. It's weird to see new people, fresh from rehab or where have you, coming in for the first time. That was me 6 days ago. A lot of folks seem to remember me and come up and ask how I've been. It's nice to feel welcomed and like I'm part of something.

This afternoon the guy who has sorta taken an interest in my situation gave me a call. We had a great conversation and I discussed some of the thoughts and feelings I've been having. I mentioned how I was slightly concerned that it had been 8 days and I literally had no desire to drink. He cautioned me and said that what I was experiencing was something called "the pink cloud". It's when an alcoholic has been sober for a certain period of time and they feel like they can stay that way without any effort. Wow, I tell you...these AA folks have a term for everything!

I mentioned to him that I'd been thinking, and I felt like I was ready to dive in and begin working on the first step. I then asked if he'd consider sponsoring me. He said he would, but suggested that we have a trial run. He said that often times sponsors and sponsees may find they're not the right fit down the road, but that he'd be willing to give it a shot and begin to guide me into understanding the first step. He did say that he wanted me to call him every morning by 10am so that we could discuss the events of the upcoming day. He said that it was better to talk about stuff in advance rather than at the end of the day when it was already said and done. I agreed and definitely look forward to being guided and taught by him. He really seems like a man who has his shitz together.

The wife called me tonight after work. We had a good conversation, I think, and discussed a lot of stuff. I was able to get some answers to some questions I've had and that was something I was really needing. She's going to come over in the morning so we can sort out some bills and other financial matters. It's hard for me to believe, but I really do feel like I'm starting to get some true peace about the divorce. I've known from the beginning that it was the best thing for us both. Now I believe I can actually say that with certainty.

Was just me and the boy tonight. My daughter had to work 4-10. We ate chicken sandwiches and watched Chuck on tv. He brought home a cabbage plant from school today that he's got to tend to and raise for the next 10 weeks. That should be fun!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I got the call...

I mentioned in my last journal entry that I was dreading when she finally called or texted me again. It had been since Thursday morning since I had last heard from her, via text. Well, she called this afternoon around 2:35 as she was driving back into town from her weekend in Tennessee. I was in my, newly cleaned and organized, office working on an auto expense report when the cell call came in. I looked down and saw her name on the screen and nearly shat my pants! I answered and we proceeded to have a 19 minute conversation.

It was okay, and I think I did alright under the circumstances. She's concerned about the debt and her credit and how it will all be affected. She's not as optimistic that things will be as good for her as she was last time we talked. Discussing our finances, or listening to her discuss them rather, pretty much made up the bulk of the call. We did discuss my sobriety and I told her about all the chores I had done around the house. She was polite, but her mind seemed elsewhere. Or at least that's how I interpreted the responses she would make.

We made plans for her to come over Tuesday to go over some more of the financial stuff. She mentioned she didn't know how she would end up affording her own place, and that she may only stay in the area through summer, before moving back to Tennessee with her mother. At this point I just bit the bullet and told her she was more than welcome to just move back in here. It is still her house too. I said that I would leave her alone, that I'm a totally different person sober and that we wouldn't have any problems. She said that she had actually considered that, and that is was a possibility. We ended the conversation with me telling her to have a safe trip back into town and she thanked me.

Whew! I've waited 4 days for a conversation with her and I got 19 minutes. I'm not sure how I feel about it all, but in all honesty I do feel better than I thought I would. By that I mean I didn't get off the phone and instantly start pining for her like I feared. Hmm, wonder that that might mean?

At 4 I went to an AA Meeting with a group I had never met with before. It was nice, and very intimate. There were only 10 of us there. I enjoyed it and will probably go back to their meeting again next Sunday. I came home, made dinner for me and the kids, then did yet another expense report. Now I'm trying to decide between The Oscar's or the Big Love season finale. Thank God for Tivo!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...no alcohol cravings this afternoon/evening. Thank God for that too!

One Week

Today is one week of sobriety for me! Yep, one week, 168 plus hours without taking a drink of alcohol. I actually feel good about not drinking. So far (knock on wood) I haven't really been having much when it comes to cravings. Yeah there's been a couple times (noted in earlier posts) when I've felt like chugging a beer or two would be nice, but over all the desire hasn't been for alcohol.

Also, I should note, I'm feeling somewhat better about the upcoming divorce. Now when I say that, it doesn't mean I've totally come to grips with it, but you could say that I'm "managing my feelings" to an extent. Whenever thoughts of her, and my failures, come to mind I instantly try to push them out. I still have not heard a peep from her nor have I attempted to contact her either. I'm almost dreading when she does call or text me. I hope that when that happens, and I'm sure it will, I'll be able to sound nonchalant and fine with the circumstances. I know that the divorce is inevitable, that there's nothing that can change that, I just hope that at some point I'll truly be able to move on and honestly accept the things I cannot change.

So...what have I done today to celebrate my week of being dry? Well I got up at 8am. Had breakfast with my son, cleaned up a little then we headed over to Walmart to return the blinds I had bought for his bedroom window and get the right width. We came home, I did some laundry, hung his blinds, watched some tv, made lunch, ate with my son then went out to do some yard work. I'm back in from trimming branches and hauling them to the curb for pick up and it's not even yet 1pm. So now I sit here updating my journal while watching MonsterQuest on History Channel. I do intend to attend a meeting today at 4. My usual group doesn't meet on Sunday's so I'm going to go check out a different meeting a little south of here. I hope it'll be as good as the one I've been attending.

I do want to make note here that my ex wife, or first ex wife and mother to my children, has been burning up my phone lately. At this point I'm not sure if she's just trying to be friendly/helpful or possibly making a play to work her way back in. (Just as I was typing this she called and asked if I wanted her to come over and see my newly cleaned and organized garage?!) She's called at least four times already today and invited me out to breakfast and then when I told her we'd already eaten she suggested brunch. Now she's asking if I'd like to go see Alice In Wonderland with her, my daughter, her boyfriend and his mother tonight. I do appreciate her concern for me and my situation, so I'm not going to be rude. We'll see how it goes, but I don't think I need to record here for my future memory that I'm definitely not interested in any type of different kind of relationship with her.

Sigh...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.

I've been saying this prayer each day. We say it at the start of our AA Meetings. It wasn't until this morning that the words actually have began to make sense.

There is definitely so much I can't change. Things that I've done in the past. Mistakes I've made. People I've hurt. There's nothing I can do about that. Nothing. I have to learn to accept this truth.

But there are many things I can change if I have the courage. Parts of my life that I can, with help, direct in the right direction. It may seem hard now, but one day...if I try...I can turn out okay.

I need guidance, education and support to know the difference between the two.

God grant me.

First Sober Saturday

Today is the first Saturday that I've been sober in, well probably more than 6 years. I'm not exactly sure of that, but I wouldn't actually doubt the stat. Then again it's not yet 9am here, so I better not speak too soon.

I slept good last night. A little more than 7 hours which is longer than I've slept since this all began. I woke up feeling neither great or bad. I stepped on the scale and gasped. I weigh 229. 8 pounds less than I weighed a week ago. This weight loss has got to stop. My 36" waist clothes are already getting too big. I can no longer afford to keep buying new pants and jeans. I just don't understand it, I ate pretty well yesterday. I had a whole Chic-fil-A sandwich for lunch with fries. Last night I had a whole hamburger, mac-n-cheese and green beans. For desert I had quite a bit of brownie. Over the past 14 and a half months since I started the weight loss I always wondered if the alcohol was what was keeping me fairly steady in the losing department and not dropping the weight too fast. When I decided to stop drinking I feared that, without the alcohol calories I might lose more. It looks like that may be the case. I can't let that happen.

Thinking back to my last post here in my on-line journal I feel ashamed. It scares me that I can feel such sadness and disparaging thoughts and be stone cold sober when I do. This morning when the thoughts of her have weaseled their way into my mind I've tried to shake them off. I plan on doing that all day today. It's the evening that worries me. Tonight my daughter will be working 4-10 and it'll just be me here with my son. I need to plan some activities that can keep us (me) busy and our (my) minds on other things.

It's a beautiful day here in Alabama! The sun is out strong and soon the frost will melt off the cars. I'm going to venture into the city in an hour or so to go to a meeting. Then, once I'm home, it looks like it'll be garage cleaning and organizing day. Wow, that sounds fun...

Friday, March 5, 2010

6 Days Sober, 8 Days of Pain

I think I may have spoken too soon about a "new calm" because today has been hard. Well, mostly the latter part of the day. Earlier today was alright. I had a good conversation this morning with one of my uncles. He had a lot of good advice and supportive things to say. He's been down this road before, a few times, and he instructed me to "keep the plates spinning baby" which is his way of saying I need to keep all the important aspects of my life (kids, health, sobriety, job, etc) in check.

With the help of my daughter I cleaned and organized my office finally. My wife has been wanting me to do this for months, but I always had an excuse or said I'd do it soon. Well, soon was today.

I went to the AA Meeting again today and there was a speaker. A woman who talked about her struggle and how she's slipped several times over the years. It was pretty inspirational, especially when she talked about how God was the only one who could judge her for the mistakes she made. Overall I enjoyed the meeting and feel like I got something out of it. There's just something about being in a room with a group of people who may come from different walks of life, but they all have one common struggle.

For me, the struggle of alcohol isn't too bad. I'm surprised to be actually typing that, but to date I've only wanted to have a drink twice. Once today around 4pm and about the same time yesterday. Now I realize that I am an alcoholic and those cravings could definitely come on stronger in the future. Especially when I'm back out on the road traveling for work. But right now the craving is pretty minimal. The real problem I have is just simply the fact that I miss the hell out of my wife.

I miss her so bad. It really aches deep inside me. I know I've been saying this for days, but so what? This is my therapy. Everything, and I mean everything, makes me think of her. I see her everywhere. I'm constantly wondering what she's doing. Yesterday morning she texted me and said she'd call me later. It's now been 38 hours later and I've not heard a word. It's taken everything in me not to call or text or email her. She told me Wednesday night that she was going home to her mom's this weekend, so I assume she's laying in her old bedroom now, asleep. At least I hope she is.

How am I ever going to get over this? And will I? I know it's only been 8 days since she left. How will I feel when it's been 16 days? Am I still going to have this ache? This hurt? I thank God I'm not having severe alcohol cravings. I don't think I could handle both yearnings at once. I would definitely cave, I'm sure. I guess it's a good thing I have my kids here with me.

I tried to keep myself busy this afternoon. I washed down the outside of both the front and back doors and the trim around them. I scrubbed off the dirt marks where my dog, which she took with her, used to scratch to let us know he was ready to come in. I dusted, cleaned ceiling fans, vacuumed, washed windows and the glass in both doors. Then today around 4pm I just couldn't take it anymore. I put the vacuum down and went into my bedroom, sat at the foot of the bed and just broke down. Moments later my daughter walked in and saw me. She didn't know what to say. She just sat down next to me and said, "Daddy". I tried to compose myself, but couldn't. All I could say was simply that I missed her. She knew exactly who the "her" was that I meant.

I got up then and left the house to go get some stuff we needed for dinner. A good friend of mine, someone I've never actually met, but have known for like 4 years began texting me. I got some good advice from this friend and did feel better. But I walked through the grocery store like a zombie. I don't really have much memory of being there. I'm sure I scared a few people while I was there.

I got home and forgot my troubles for a while because I was making dinner for the kids and the boyfriend. I grilled out burgers and hot dogs. Later we watched Paranormal Activity. It was pretty freaky but all I could think about was being in bed with my wife, putting my arm around her or spooning with her (even though we very rarely slept that way). I thought about this stuff because there were so many scenes where they had the video camera on them while sleeping so they could catch the "activity" on film.

Now I sit here knowing I need to get in bed, but I'm dreading it. I just hate to think of yet another night without her silently snoring there beside me. "There ain't no sunshine when she's gone" keeps playing through my mind. God I'm pathetic.

I almost feel like I should be drunk right now because my mind has come up with, possibly, the craziest of ideas. What if I gave her a few more days, like next Tuesday or Wednesday when she said she was going to come over to do some laundry. What if I waited till then, and while she's here I propose the following idea...She move back home and we work on getting and staying sober together. We cease the divorce proceedings and take things slowly. I still put the house in my name so she won't have the extra burden of the debt. We live here together and gradually see if we can make things better while in recovery. And most of all she forgives me for all that I've done. She forgives me.

No, that ain't gonna happen. Since I'm not currently drunk I'm wise enough to know that's a fantasy that just won't come true. But what if it could...

Anyway, I need to find a way to change the way I think. I need help. I think I know the answer to my problem. I'm just sure if I'm ready to take that step.

A new calm?

Well today is day 6. I had a good night sleep last night. It was weird, and I'm not sure if it'll last, but at some point before I turned in last night this different sort of calm came over me. I suddenly realized that, if I squinted my eyes and looked real hard, I could actually see a day soon where I might actually be able to get over the fact that my marriage is ending in failure. It also occurred to me that there could very well come a day where I won't miss her so much. Maybe I'll be able to go to restaurants where we once enjoyed a good meal (and alcoholic beverages) and not be sad. Or drive by stores or locations that we used to frequent together and not suddenly have a feeling of guilt or of missing her.
Hmmm...maybe I've began to claw my way up out of this "pit". Maybe...I guess I'll see.

So, last night I took my new friend's advice and flipped to the back of The Big Book (what AA members call the book, Alcoholics Anonymous) and read the story of AA's co-founder, Dr. Bob. Dang, he sure had a booze soaked life. How hard it must have been to be an alcoholic during Prohibition! But he did it, and he eventually found recovery. I can definitely see that those first hand stories will certainly be helpful to me as I continue on this journey.

This morning I've been keeping myself busy. I've made breakfast and gotten the kids off to school. Spoken on the phone with family and friends, started a load of laundry and swept and cleaned the kitchen. Soon I'm going to begin one of my most dreaded projects, cleaning and organizing my office. Yeah, I'm dreading that one big time. Around 11am I'll shower, dress and head out to my AA Meeting. I'm looking forward to that. Afterwards I'll start on more of the items on my list and I'm sure I'll be adding more to it as I go along. Tonight I'm planning on having a nice dinner with my son, daughter and her boyfriend. Maybe I'll grill something out. The weather is turning here in Alabama and it's a sunny day. And that reminds me of something, ever since my wife has left, and I've stopped drinking, I've made it a point to open all the blinds on all the windows downstairs in the living room and kitchen. Before we would rarely open them up and let the sunshine in. I remember once when my wife's sister came to visit she remarked, "Y'all need to open these blinds. It feels like a tomb in here"! Yeah, I now agree with her.

Okay, now I feel like I need to step out of my "journal mode" and say something to anyone who might be reading. I know there are a few of you out there and I sure appreciate you reading and following along with me on my journey. But, with that being said, I want to be clear that this blog, this journal, is completely for me. I'm using it to track the events of my life as I move forward from near ruin. I want to be able to look back 3 weeks, or 6 months or a year from now and remind myself what all I've been through. Sort of like that diary you or your sister used to keep hidden under the mattress. This is my diary and it just happens to be on-line and "open to the public" so to speak. I've chosen to do it this way for two reasons.

The first reason is purely selfish. I want to have a feeling of accountability. That's why I've shared the URL with a select few friends and relatives. I want those select people who actually care about me to let me know what it may be I'm doing right or wrong.

Secondly, I'm putting this out there because, who knows, maybe reading my journey and/or struggle may be helpful to others. Already I've gotten two emails from two different people telling me about their struggle with alcohol, or the struggle their spouse may be going through. That's the kind of feed back I'm looking for from the general public. Feel free to email me your thoughts anytime. You can find my email address if you click on the "View My Complete Profile" link over there on the right side of this page. So that's why I've disabled the comment option here, because again, this is for me. If I can help you with what I've written here, then good. Helping others is one of the things they are teaching me in AA.

Okay...now I step back out of my "public voice" and into the one where I speak only to myself...

Well, it's time I get off my butt and get ready for another day of recovery. It's going to be a good day. But you know what? If something happens to bring me down, either in heart or mind, there will always be tomorrow.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Creating A New Normal

And so we bring day 5 to a close. And of all of the last five days this one I'm most ready to see hit the door. It's not that it's been all bad, although there were some really rough patches, and so far it's looking like it's ending on a fairly upbeat note. Let me go back through my day...

I started the day a bit agitated. This was mostly because I knew this was the day my parents were going to be leaving me here all alone. Me, a 41 year old man, afraid to be without his mommy and daddy. Around 11am I had them follow me to a BBQ place near where my 12:15 AA meeting is held and we sat down to eat. I couldn't even look them in the face for fear I would bust out crying. I just wanted to wail, "Please don't leave me alone now! I don't think I can make it!" When the time came for the check and to leave I just couldn't take it. I held back the tears and told them that I didn't think I could walk out with them and do the goodbyes there in the parking lot. I thought it best that I go ahead and leave on my own. I promised to call them after the meeting.

God, that was hard! I was a blubbering idiot by the time I got to my car. So many emotions running through me. Fear of being alone was one, but I was still wrestling with the intense feelings of guilt I have for what all I had done over the last 8 months. The things I had done that had finally driven my wife away. I called and spoke with my sister and balled like a puss to her. I did the same to a good friend from out of state. I don't even remember what all they said, I can only remember thinking "I've hurt her, I've hurt her" over and over in my mind. It was like the chorus of a really sad and bad song.

I got to the church and into the meeting room and the dark cloud lifted. I didn't dare to speak though, like I did yesterday, for fear of making another blubbering spectacle of myself, but this time in front of strangers. But I did listen. Today it seemed each alcoholic there had something to say about God and/or their Higher Power. Just what I wanted to hear...NOT! But maybe it was what I needed to hear. I continued to feel the tears well each time someone would speak up and say, "Hey I'm _____, and I'm an alcoholic". I left there feeling better, not great, but better.

I had some errands to run before I needed to be home for the youngest to get off the bus. I made the dreaded WalMart trip, and for the first time in forever I completely avoided the beer and wine isle. I bought the crap I needed and came home and that's when it hit.

I suddenly, and for the first time since last Saturday, had a strong desire to crack a beer or mix a drink. But I didn't give in. I took out my little yellow AA Meeting Schedule book where men had written their first names and numbers (about 6 of them) and called the first one on the list. The man who had taken such an interest in me yesterday, and today as well. Damn, he didn't answer but as I was leaving him a message he beeped in calling me back. I answered and instantly felt relieved when he started talking. I told him I was craving a drink and he suggested I read some of the stories of men and women in the back of the Big Book. He said it can be therapeutic to see the struggles of other real people. I poured out all my "soon to be ex wife guilt" and how it was tearing me up inside that I had done so many terrible things to her. And his response was, "If you can't do anything about it, why think about it". That one sentence stopped me in my tracks. Wow, how simple, yet how true. I'm beginning to see Sponsor material in this guy. He said a lot more that helped, but I had to soon let him go once the boy got home from school.

I pulled myself together, feeling better, and set off to strike off another item on my to do list. I put on a pair of while thermal long johns, threw on my "painting shorts" over them and pulled on my "painting t-shirt" and headed outside to begin tackling the white trim work around the front door that had turned a dark tint with age. Yeah I was looking so hot!

I finished up, admired my work and got my son in from playing so we could make dinner together. Daughter was, yep you guessed it, out with her boyfriend. I heated up last nights spaghetti and we settled in to watch last night's tivo-ed episodes of The Middle and Modern Family. Great show's, by the way...

After dinner I got another wild hair. Whats a better way to keep the mind and body busy than to rearrange the living room furniture? For 6ish years we'd had everything arranged just the way she wanted it. She's gone now, and it's time to mix it up. We did that, but I wasn't through yet. I got his butt in the shower and I then proceeded to do some cabinet rearranging. She liked the plates and bowls like this? Nah, let's see how they look on this different shelf. I cleaned off counters, moved the coffee maker to the other side of the kitchen, cleaned off all the crap we had piled up on top the fridge, threw away a shit load of a lot of stuff and finished up with my favorite change of the night. I got an empty box from the garage and proceeded filling it with every wine glass, beer mug, rocks glass and shot glass we had in the house. Cleaned out the last evidence that there was ever anyone living here who may or may not have once drank alcohol from any of those vessels.

Then the dark cloud of depression descended again. I called a very good friend and began to again lay on all the guilt I felt, but she was to have none of that. She said some pretty good things to me, many of which I actually wrote down:

I am not my mistake, but I have to learn from my mistake.
Because I've always thought that I'm a big failure, all this time I've done whatever I wanted because I wasn't happy with myself. I rationalized doing whatever made me feel good. We never really get over the things we've done or the mistakes we've made, but we learn how to live despite them all

And there was one other thing she said that I wrote down...

Create a new normal and the good thing will be, if you learn from it, the new normal is better than you thought it could ever be.

So this day has certainly had it's ups and downs, but thank God I have friends and family who care about me, even though I'm not perfect. And even though I've done some horrible things, they still love me and support me and want to see me learn from my mistakes and be a much better man.

Maybe there's something to this Higher Power thing after all!

On to day 6!

To Do:

Today begins the next big challenge in my sobriety. My parents return home to Tennessee. I'll be alone all weekend with my kids, but my daughter will have work and will be spending time with her boyfriend as often as she can/I allow....so, it'll be me alone with my thoughts and feelings.

So, with that being said I've gotta find something to keep me busy. Here's what I've got so far:

  • Paint around the outside of the front door
  • Find someway to make my mailbox stand up straight
  • Dust living room completely and clean out cobwebs in the corners
  • Clean and organize home office
  • Steam clean carpet and sofa/chair
  • Start the landscaping process (will be in the 60's this wkend)
  • Clean off the top of the fridge & counters in kitchen
  • Clean out and organize garage
  • Buy and install new blinds for son's room
I'm not much of a "handy man". Actually I've never been much of one, but it's time I learn. We used to pay people to do some of this stuff, but that's in the past. I got to keep busy. Very busy.

Oh, I forgot an important one:
  • Attend AA Meetings

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

And this concludes day four...

Here I lay again - in bed on my stomach - lap top open before me - iPhone charging on the night stand beside me - just wondering if there will be a text or call. Today has been a day full of ups and downs.

You've already read about my major "up". It was my first AA Meeting, obviously. Earlier in the day I had gotten a call from my soon to be ex wife, asking if she could come by the house, get some more clothes and say hello to my parents. I was fine with it, because I really wanted to see her. Not because I wanted to throw myself at her mercy and get her back, but primarily because I was curious. Curious of what she would look like, how she would be dressed, how her hair and make-up would look...just random things like that. I also wanted her to see the home improvements my parents and I had made. I was looking forward to a nice visit.

And it was indeed a nice visit. Her first words out of her mouth were how good I looked. I guess sobriety can do that to a fella. She loved the new bathroom paint and decor and thought the house looked and smelled great. We talked a little while she packed up some more clothes and toiletries, then got on this very lap top together while she checked our joint checking account. (We've since, obviously, opened up our own but we're still keeping this one open so all the joint bills can still be paid by her. She's a good manager of money, something I'm gonna need a crash course in soon!)

She chatted with my parents and kids, then I helped her out to her car with her suitcase. I asked if we could talk and she agreed. She again assured me that we (she and I individually) were going to be alright. That once we get through this all, we'd both come out better off than we have been in a long time. I asked her if she thought she could ever forgive me and she said yes, but not yet. I totally can understand that. I told her I wanted us to end up being good friends and she expressed a desire for us to as well. She said again that if we just take care of what we need to take care of, everything will be alright. She was full of smiles and seemed happy. She asked if I was alright with everything and I assured her that I was, and that I knew our parting ways was for the best. She gave me two hugs and a kiss on the cheek and went on her merry way.

I went back into the house feeling like our short time together tonight was the icing on the cake on what had already been a day of break throughs. I indeed felt awesome! I even texted her about an hour later saying, "I thought that went well, didn't you?"

I have yet to hear anything back.

I went on with the evening. I wrote the two posts below and spent time with my parents and kids.

Around 9pm I texted her again, "Hey, if you don't mind, later before you go to sleep would you give me a call? Got something to ask you."

It's now 12:05am and I've heard nothing.

About an hour ago, depression set in big time. Everyone was in bed but me and my mom. I wanted to go on to bed and hopefully fall asleep and, for 5 or 6 hours at least, forget about all the guilt I feel so heavily inside.

But that's not what happened. Instead I got all chatty with mom. Something usually reserved for when the bourbon is coursing through my system. Not so the case tonight. I told my mother everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every single thing I had done, over the course of the past 8 months that paved the road for the wife to say "see ya"! I do plan on sharing that here on my blog one day, possibly, but it'll probably be a long time coming.

I laid it all out there and the evening chat with mom ended with her saying, "You're not going to be able to get the healing you need if you don't learn how to forgive yourself".

Yes, I'm sure she's right, and I'm sure it says that a few thousand times in that book in the picture down a few posts below. But that's easier said than done, and that's why I'll be at the meeting again tomorrow, and Friday, and Saturday, etc. But I just don't know if I can do it. Even though I know I need to, no, HAVE to, I just don't see it happening. At least not until I can have a heart to heart talk with my wife and pour my heart out to her so she'll understand how really sorry I am.

Listen folks, I may be a drunk but I'm not stupid. I know that her and my ending this marriage is the best thing we could ever do right now. She's equally guilty for why she and I are in the place we're in now. But she didn't totally ask for it. I truly believe that up until about 8 months ago, she'd probably want to stand up and fight for our marriage. Now she's happy. Life is looking up for her. She's getting out, and getting out in a better financial position than she's been in, in years. But still I feel guilty. I've been a bad man. Even though my being "bad" has given her the freedom she's desired, and deep down she may even be applauding me for what I did, I still have to deal with it. What kind of man does and says the things I have? I guess that's why I'm an alcoholic man.

But as of now I've crossed into day five. That's 96 hours since anything but water, tea, coffee or Diet Coke has crossed my lips. That's all and good if I can keep it up, and I will, but what about the guilt?

Bathroom Floor Tiles

This morning while I was finishing up painting my bathroom I suddenly remembered one of my favorite drunk activities...

Pretty much every night over the past 7 years, when I wasn't out of town working, I ended my night in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and using the toilet. This isn't really anything unusual, I don't think. I'm sure many of you do the same. The only difference with this picture is that I was pretty much always quite intoxicated.

My wife always had an issue with there being "splash-age" on or around the toilet bowl or seat, so I had pretty much been conditioned to sit when I had to do my business. While sitting there, my mind all fuzzy and buzzin', I developed the oddest habit. I would count the floor tiles. I would start from the door and count them long ways, across the floor longways, to the wall where I sat on my throne. There are 16 one foot tiles and then there are 8 going across from the tub to the counters.

Odd habit, huh? Yeah, I told ya so. Funny what the mind, diseased with alcohol, can conjure up to occupy itself while sitting in the most usual of places. And the funny thing is that it took me bending over to wipe a spot of paint up from these tiles to remember it this morning.

My First Meeting...


Today I attended my first AA Meeting. I'll be honest with you, I was all kinds of nervous. I parked in the church parking lot and saw all these men and women walking their way into a part of the church. I got out of my car and asked a guy which way was it to AA. He simply said, "Follow the herd".

It took a lot for me to walk through the door, and it took even more to find a chair and sit down. But I did. Folks continued to pour in and sit down and socialize with each other. I definitely felt out of place, but soon the meeting started.

They recited the Serenity Prayer thing, which I didn't know, then said some other stuff. The leader asked if there was anyone here for the first time and I slightly raised my hand. She didn't notice, but a guy near me did and he pointed me out. Everyone welcomed me and clapped. I smiled and nodded then returned my attention to the shoes on my feet.

Things progressed and a guy read from the AA book, I assumed, then another guy got up to give out coins. He first asked for anyone newly sober. I didn't stand. He went from there to "one week", "three weeks", "a month", "3 months", etc. Once he was done he again asked for anyone newly sober, pointing out that this one was the only one he repeats twice. With that announcement I rose from my chair and walked to the front to accept my coin. You can see it in the picture above.

The meeting continued and the floor was opened for people to give, what I guess you'd call, their "testimonials". Several did, saying very moving things from their past and present. After about the sixth to speak I somehow got the nerve, cleared my throat, and said "Hey, I'm Chuck and I'm an alcoholic". Everyone said, in unison, "Welcome Chuck, we're glad you're here". Or something like that.

And I spoke. I mentioned how I was on my fourth day of being sober and about how it has been a struggle. I said that I had had two wives leave me in the last seven years, and that my current wife left only 6 days ago. I went on to say that I was sure I had been an alcoholic for at least 6 years, but that it never seemed to bother me much since I always excelled in my career, winning promotions and many accolades. It just didn't seem that I fit the typical alcoholic mold. I went on to mention that, although I was raised in the church, I just wasn't sure about this whole Higher Power/God deal, but that I was open to anything because I had to get well. I had no other choice because I feared I'd lose my children if I didn't.

I'm sure I said a lot more, but can't remember it all. I do know that many others, in their speeches after me, pointed out a few things I had said and assured me I wasn't alone.

It was a moving experience. At the end everyone joined a circle, holding hands, and said the Lord's Prayer. Afterwards an old man came up to me and offered me the tattered and torn book in the picture above. He said to keep it, read it, and when I was ready I could buy a copy for another first timer. It's a 1973 edition and I'm thinking I'll be starting it tonight.

As I was leaving, a group of men surrounded me and offered me one of the small yellow books that have a list of all the area meetings. In the back of it 6 or 7 of them had written their first names and phone numbers and they told me to call them anytime if I needed them.

Wow...what an experience. I felt better than I had all week. That kind of out pouring of caring and concern definitely made me want even more to dedicate my life to sobriety.

I'll be back there tomorrow at noon again.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Celebration Blue

I've gotten in bed now alone. My children are upstairs sleeping in their rooms. My parents are here for one more day and night of support and help then they're gone, and my sister left yesterday for her home in Missouri. It's the being alone that sucks. Laying here on "my" side of the bed. I guess both sides are "my" side now. I miss her, and right now I miss her way much more than the booze.

But you know what? If she was still here...if the humiliating events of last week hadn't happened...we'd probably be in bed together right now. The only difference would be that she would have passed out, after one too many, about an hour ago and I'd just now be stumbling into bed after sucking down one more bourbon and Diet Sprite while standing at the kitchen sink finishing my last cig for the day, and blowing the smoke out the cracked window.

What happens when the "missing her" fades away? Will the "missing the booze" replace it? God, that scares me.

She called me today, for the first time since Saturday, and only the second time since she left me. She called to discuss finances and how we would both be alright and that we'd come out without financial ruin. That's important to her, as it is me. She also mentioned that she heard I was getting help when she talked to my sister last night. She said she was glad, and pointed out that I was an alcoholic, then added that she wasn't one. She then when on to say that we definitely enabled each other over the years. When I mentioned this a little later to my MD he said something that really made sense. He said, "You can't enable someone who doesn't want to be enabled". So, I hope she will realize one day that our "enabling" helped us both become the functional drunks that we became.

She called my 16 yr old daughter tonight while she was over watching a movie with her boyfriend. (I should pause here and point out that I have custody of my two children, but they are both from my first marriage. My current, and soon to be ex wife and I have no children, but she has helped considerably in raising them over the past 6.5 years ) Anyway, I later asked my daughter where her step-mother was calling from and she said, "I don't know, but I could hear ice tinkling in glasses and people talking in the back ground." My guess she was out with whoever she's seeing, or with her booze hound friends, and I would bet she's definitely not "four days sober" like she told me she was earlier today on the phone.

As I sat on the floor in our, or now...my, bathroom painting the trim work I suddenly thought how bad I wanted to call my wife and tell her never to "drunk dial" my daughter again. The booze infused conversations we've both had with my kids are now a thing in the past. I looked over my shoulder at my dad who was rolling the new wall color on the walls and asked if he thought I should make that call. He said no. That I didn't really know if she was drinking or not. To give her the benefit of the doubt. So I went back to my trim work. It's just hard. It's hard when you've spent almost 7 years with someone, developed a certain degree of love for them, continuously watched us both drown our regrets nightly in alcohol to not want to just reach out and say something. Especially after the great first session I had with my new therapist and the talks I've had with other counselors in the past 24 hours.

Well, she's not my concern anymore and I'm definitely not her's. Even though I sometimes wish I was. But I have to remember...we're bad for each other and we enable...

Oh yeah, whats with the bathroom paint job you might ask? Well for four years now she's nagged me to redo the master bath. I've always had an excuse (wonder what that might have been (glug glug)) as to why I didn't want to do it, or would get around to it one of these days. This currently sober, but alcoholic guy Chuck, has a new lease on life. He'll be getting around to a lot of those house hold chores she's bitched about for years. I got energy, drive and purpose baby...oh yes I do!

Curious about the wall color I picked out today at Lowe's? Took me a total of 4 minutes to choose it. It's called Celebration Blue. Fitting, dontcha think?

First Night, and the days before...

The first night of my self detox was all kinds of rough. Everyone I spoke to, including my sister who is a RN, said I would be stupid to do this on my own and that I had to get myself to a hospital/detox center. They said that coming off alcohol is harder than any other drug and that people can actually die from it. I was worried, but I just couldn't bare the thought of being away from all my responsibility; kids, family, divorce proceedings, job and I didn't want it to appear to the soon to be ex that I was week and trying to make some statement for her attention. Because I could just hear what she'd say. Something along the lines about how I felt so bad about what I had done to bring about the end of our relationship that I was desperate to make some kind of statement for sympathy.

So I chose to stick it out. By this point I still had my sister here with me, and my parents had joined us earlier in the day. I was pretty sure, if something bad went down, I could make it to the ER pretty easily.

My last night of drinking was a major binge. It was only me and my sister here and it was Saturday evening, February 27. Two days after my wife had left me. My usual heavy drinking progressed steadily from the day she left, through Friday and into Saturday. By Saturday, when I turned the drink on, I started with two bottles of expensive German wine I had spent $150 on the Wednesday before. I had planned to drink them with the wife that weekend. I then cracked open an 18 pack of Miller Lite and kept cracking 'em till around 11pm when I downed the 15th from the pack. It was this point when I decided, in my diseased mind, that it was time to stumble to bed and pass out. As I swayed past the kitchen table I fell over, into the the table pushing it three feet across the floor along with two of the chairs. That's about all I remember.

The next morning I awoke around 8 stiff and sore, but not hung over. I was rarely hung over. I walked out into the living room and found my sister crying on the couch. I glanced across the room and saw the devastation in the kitchen. I looked back at my sis and simply said, "I'm sorry to have put you through all that". She wiped her eyes and said, "I was so afraid I wasn't going to be able to get you up off the floor. And then you almost fell again in the bedroom. I didn't know what to do".

That did it for me. I suddenly realized all the reasons why I HAD to get sober. There were so many and in my, probably still drunk mind, I began making bullet points. (If you read my blog long enough you'll find I'm a fan of bullet points...)

  • My kids are my biggest responsibility and I must be sober for them
  • My health, I have to live and be healthy for my kids and myself
  • I do terrible things while drunk and had already ruined my marriage because of it/them
  • I have an excellent job and career and can't afford to lose them
  • My parents have seen so much heartache watching other family members fall into alcoholism, I can't be another
  • My sister and I have an awesome relationship and I can't bare to hurt her any more
  • My friends, many who are like family, care about me and love me
  • And I wanted to learn to like myself and have self confidence again and feel like I just might be wanted by someone else
So yeah, I needed to wake up and smell the sobriety.

But back to my first night of self detox, which is where I started this post before I got side tracked. It was rough, but probably not as bad as it could have been. I had the shakes and shivers. I was freezing one minutes and hot as hell the next. I had massive night sweats, soaking through the sheets, and spent most of my three hours of actual sleep curled up in a fetal position. I lay there from 2am till 5, when I finally got up to start the coffee and imagined all kinds of things. I imagined conversations with the soon to be ex where I begged her to return to me and pleaded for her forgiveness I imagined I held my iPhone while I read emails on it sent to my wife from someone named Wolf. I don't know if these "visions" were actually hallucinations or just plain old dreams, but they were vivid and had me crying into my pillow.

I got out of bed, took a hot shower, dressed in fresh clothes and went and made coffee. And believe it or not, after that night of horrors, I actually had a pretty good day.

Day Three...

Hello, I'm Chuck and I'm an alcoholic.

Well, now...I've been blogging off and on for quite a few years. Since July of 2004 to be exact and I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've written a blog post during the evening hours when I've been sober. You see I'm Chuck, and although I now recognize that I'm an alcoholic, I can honestly say that I'm sitting here having just eaten a delicious Mom cooked meal, and I'm typing stone cold sober. And it feels damn good! Yes, I'm Chuck the alcoholic, but I'm also Sober Guy.

And I understand there are millions of us sober guys out there right now. Most take it for granted. Most never think twice because its the only way they know how to be. For many the closest they are knowingly near an alcoholic is when they're watching an actor play one on television or in a movie. I've lived with one for the better part of five years, and that would be me. Lived with two actually, but that's a story for another day.

I've been challenged by my therapist to keep a journal about my adventure into sobriety. When she presented this challenge I responded with the first thing that came to mind, "can I blog about it"? Yeah, I've had the itch to blog again for a while. I can't think of a better way to display my sincerity and hopefully find some accountability along the way.

Today is day three. It ain't been easy.