Friday, March 5, 2010

6 Days Sober, 8 Days of Pain

I think I may have spoken too soon about a "new calm" because today has been hard. Well, mostly the latter part of the day. Earlier today was alright. I had a good conversation this morning with one of my uncles. He had a lot of good advice and supportive things to say. He's been down this road before, a few times, and he instructed me to "keep the plates spinning baby" which is his way of saying I need to keep all the important aspects of my life (kids, health, sobriety, job, etc) in check.

With the help of my daughter I cleaned and organized my office finally. My wife has been wanting me to do this for months, but I always had an excuse or said I'd do it soon. Well, soon was today.

I went to the AA Meeting again today and there was a speaker. A woman who talked about her struggle and how she's slipped several times over the years. It was pretty inspirational, especially when she talked about how God was the only one who could judge her for the mistakes she made. Overall I enjoyed the meeting and feel like I got something out of it. There's just something about being in a room with a group of people who may come from different walks of life, but they all have one common struggle.

For me, the struggle of alcohol isn't too bad. I'm surprised to be actually typing that, but to date I've only wanted to have a drink twice. Once today around 4pm and about the same time yesterday. Now I realize that I am an alcoholic and those cravings could definitely come on stronger in the future. Especially when I'm back out on the road traveling for work. But right now the craving is pretty minimal. The real problem I have is just simply the fact that I miss the hell out of my wife.

I miss her so bad. It really aches deep inside me. I know I've been saying this for days, but so what? This is my therapy. Everything, and I mean everything, makes me think of her. I see her everywhere. I'm constantly wondering what she's doing. Yesterday morning she texted me and said she'd call me later. It's now been 38 hours later and I've not heard a word. It's taken everything in me not to call or text or email her. She told me Wednesday night that she was going home to her mom's this weekend, so I assume she's laying in her old bedroom now, asleep. At least I hope she is.

How am I ever going to get over this? And will I? I know it's only been 8 days since she left. How will I feel when it's been 16 days? Am I still going to have this ache? This hurt? I thank God I'm not having severe alcohol cravings. I don't think I could handle both yearnings at once. I would definitely cave, I'm sure. I guess it's a good thing I have my kids here with me.

I tried to keep myself busy this afternoon. I washed down the outside of both the front and back doors and the trim around them. I scrubbed off the dirt marks where my dog, which she took with her, used to scratch to let us know he was ready to come in. I dusted, cleaned ceiling fans, vacuumed, washed windows and the glass in both doors. Then today around 4pm I just couldn't take it anymore. I put the vacuum down and went into my bedroom, sat at the foot of the bed and just broke down. Moments later my daughter walked in and saw me. She didn't know what to say. She just sat down next to me and said, "Daddy". I tried to compose myself, but couldn't. All I could say was simply that I missed her. She knew exactly who the "her" was that I meant.

I got up then and left the house to go get some stuff we needed for dinner. A good friend of mine, someone I've never actually met, but have known for like 4 years began texting me. I got some good advice from this friend and did feel better. But I walked through the grocery store like a zombie. I don't really have much memory of being there. I'm sure I scared a few people while I was there.

I got home and forgot my troubles for a while because I was making dinner for the kids and the boyfriend. I grilled out burgers and hot dogs. Later we watched Paranormal Activity. It was pretty freaky but all I could think about was being in bed with my wife, putting my arm around her or spooning with her (even though we very rarely slept that way). I thought about this stuff because there were so many scenes where they had the video camera on them while sleeping so they could catch the "activity" on film.

Now I sit here knowing I need to get in bed, but I'm dreading it. I just hate to think of yet another night without her silently snoring there beside me. "There ain't no sunshine when she's gone" keeps playing through my mind. God I'm pathetic.

I almost feel like I should be drunk right now because my mind has come up with, possibly, the craziest of ideas. What if I gave her a few more days, like next Tuesday or Wednesday when she said she was going to come over to do some laundry. What if I waited till then, and while she's here I propose the following idea...She move back home and we work on getting and staying sober together. We cease the divorce proceedings and take things slowly. I still put the house in my name so she won't have the extra burden of the debt. We live here together and gradually see if we can make things better while in recovery. And most of all she forgives me for all that I've done. She forgives me.

No, that ain't gonna happen. Since I'm not currently drunk I'm wise enough to know that's a fantasy that just won't come true. But what if it could...

Anyway, I need to find a way to change the way I think. I need help. I think I know the answer to my problem. I'm just sure if I'm ready to take that step.