Tuesday, March 9, 2010

FEAR

What a busy day this has been...

First of all, my AA meeting this afternoon was awesome! It's just so incredible how every time I go (and I've been 7 days in a row) the subject matter discussed has been so fitting to what I'm dealing with. Today it was "fear". How appropriate. Evidently once I begin working the Steps and get to number four I'll have to begin to deal with my fears. The fourth step says:


4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Wow, I could write a book on this one. I realized today that I do have a lot of fear in my life. I'm afraid of what I'll become. How will I manage as a single man, a single parent, in life? I haven't been totally single since the 10th grade. That was like, 5 years ago. No, seriously it's been a little longer than that...

I'm afraid of being alone. Sitting here in my living room, or hotel room, at night watching television and not having someone sitting "over there" next to me to occasionally talk to. Someone to go places with, lay by the pool, walk on the beach. Someone to be in bed with. Someone to discuss the good possibilities of the future with. Yes, I know I have the kids, but they can't take the place of a partner.

I fear the thought that people may think badly of me, or think I'm something or someone I'm not. Of course I know that this one is already happening in certain circles, but still I hate it. I've always wanted to be a pleaser, to most, and simply can't stand knowing someone (like in business for example) may think I'm sub par. Hell, I wouldn't have even walked down the isle with my first wife if I hadn't been afraid of what people would think had I not.

I have a huge fear of failure. Surprisingly enough this fear has only come about full strength since I've been sober. I've already failed my wife, and now I have to focus on not continuing to fail my kids and myself. I have to be a success (or put 100% into it) in everything I attempt; parent, employee, manager, neighbor, son, brother and friend.

I'm afraid of being tempted to drink again. One of these days it's going to happen, it always does. I can't shield myself from everyone who is gonna want to "go have a drink after work". Right now I can sit here and say I'm totally not desiring a drink in the least, but the odds are against me. It's gonna happen. I'm afraid of how I'll react when that time comes.

Okay, that's enough about fear for one night. Remember that, although I may sound down in this post, I'm actually feeling quite up and positive tonight.

Made a nice dinner for me and the kids tonight. Rotisserie chicken, stuffing, lima beans and rolls. Was pretty dang good. The boyfriend just came by after getting off work and ate, with my daughter smiling and looking on. There was a lot more that occurred today, but I'm zonked and better STFU for now. Tomorrow I start back to work after being off since Friday, Feb 26th. It's gonna be a busy next few days. I'm dreading it big time...