And this concludes day four...

Here I lay again - in bed on my stomach - lap top open before me - iPhone charging on the night stand beside me - just wondering if there will be a text or call. Today has been a day full of ups and downs.

You've already read about my major "up". It was my first AA Meeting, obviously. Earlier in the day I had gotten a call from my soon to be ex wife, asking if she could come by the house, get some more clothes and say hello to my parents. I was fine with it, because I really wanted to see her. Not because I wanted to throw myself at her mercy and get her back, but primarily because I was curious. Curious of what she would look like, how she would be dressed, how her hair and make-up would look...just random things like that. I also wanted her to see the home improvements my parents and I had made. I was looking forward to a nice visit.

And it was indeed a nice visit. Her first words out of her mouth were how good I looked. I guess sobriety can do that to a fella. She loved the new bathroom paint and decor and thought the house looked and smelled great. We talked a little while she packed up some more clothes and toiletries, then got on this very lap top together while she checked our joint checking account. (We've since, obviously, opened up our own but we're still keeping this one open so all the joint bills can still be paid by her. She's a good manager of money, something I'm gonna need a crash course in soon!)

She chatted with my parents and kids, then I helped her out to her car with her suitcase. I asked if we could talk and she agreed. She again assured me that we (she and I individually) were going to be alright. That once we get through this all, we'd both come out better off than we have been in a long time. I asked her if she thought she could ever forgive me and she said yes, but not yet. I totally can understand that. I told her I wanted us to end up being good friends and she expressed a desire for us to as well. She said again that if we just take care of what we need to take care of, everything will be alright. She was full of smiles and seemed happy. She asked if I was alright with everything and I assured her that I was, and that I knew our parting ways was for the best. She gave me two hugs and a kiss on the cheek and went on her merry way.

I went back into the house feeling like our short time together tonight was the icing on the cake on what had already been a day of break throughs. I indeed felt awesome! I even texted her about an hour later saying, "I thought that went well, didn't you?"

I have yet to hear anything back.

I went on with the evening. I wrote the two posts below and spent time with my parents and kids.

Around 9pm I texted her again, "Hey, if you don't mind, later before you go to sleep would you give me a call? Got something to ask you."

It's now 12:05am and I've heard nothing.

About an hour ago, depression set in big time. Everyone was in bed but me and my mom. I wanted to go on to bed and hopefully fall asleep and, for 5 or 6 hours at least, forget about all the guilt I feel so heavily inside.

But that's not what happened. Instead I got all chatty with mom. Something usually reserved for when the bourbon is coursing through my system. Not so the case tonight. I told my mother everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every single thing I had done, over the course of the past 8 months that paved the road for the wife to say "see ya"! I do plan on sharing that here on my blog one day, possibly, but it'll probably be a long time coming.

I laid it all out there and the evening chat with mom ended with her saying, "You're not going to be able to get the healing you need if you don't learn how to forgive yourself".

Yes, I'm sure she's right, and I'm sure it says that a few thousand times in that book in the picture down a few posts below. But that's easier said than done, and that's why I'll be at the meeting again tomorrow, and Friday, and Saturday, etc. But I just don't know if I can do it. Even though I know I need to, no, HAVE to, I just don't see it happening. At least not until I can have a heart to heart talk with my wife and pour my heart out to her so she'll understand how really sorry I am.

Listen folks, I may be a drunk but I'm not stupid. I know that her and my ending this marriage is the best thing we could ever do right now. She's equally guilty for why she and I are in the place we're in now. But she didn't totally ask for it. I truly believe that up until about 8 months ago, she'd probably want to stand up and fight for our marriage. Now she's happy. Life is looking up for her. She's getting out, and getting out in a better financial position than she's been in, in years. But still I feel guilty. I've been a bad man. Even though my being "bad" has given her the freedom she's desired, and deep down she may even be applauding me for what I did, I still have to deal with it. What kind of man does and says the things I have? I guess that's why I'm an alcoholic man.

But as of now I've crossed into day five. That's 96 hours since anything but water, tea, coffee or Diet Coke has crossed my lips. That's all and good if I can keep it up, and I will, but what about the guilt?