Celebration Blue

I've gotten in bed now alone. My children are upstairs sleeping in their rooms. My parents are here for one more day and night of support and help then they're gone, and my sister left yesterday for her home in Missouri. It's the being alone that sucks. Laying here on "my" side of the bed. I guess both sides are "my" side now. I miss her, and right now I miss her way much more than the booze.

But you know what? If she was still here...if the humiliating events of last week hadn't happened...we'd probably be in bed together right now. The only difference would be that she would have passed out, after one too many, about an hour ago and I'd just now be stumbling into bed after sucking down one more bourbon and Diet Sprite while standing at the kitchen sink finishing my last cig for the day, and blowing the smoke out the cracked window.

What happens when the "missing her" fades away? Will the "missing the booze" replace it? God, that scares me.

She called me today, for the first time since Saturday, and only the second time since she left me. She called to discuss finances and how we would both be alright and that we'd come out without financial ruin. That's important to her, as it is me. She also mentioned that she heard I was getting help when she talked to my sister last night. She said she was glad, and pointed out that I was an alcoholic, then added that she wasn't one. She then when on to say that we definitely enabled each other over the years. When I mentioned this a little later to my MD he said something that really made sense. He said, "You can't enable someone who doesn't want to be enabled". So, I hope she will realize one day that our "enabling" helped us both become the functional drunks that we became.

She called my 16 yr old daughter tonight while she was over watching a movie with her boyfriend. (I should pause here and point out that I have custody of my two children, but they are both from my first marriage. My current, and soon to be ex wife and I have no children, but she has helped considerably in raising them over the past 6.5 years ) Anyway, I later asked my daughter where her step-mother was calling from and she said, "I don't know, but I could hear ice tinkling in glasses and people talking in the back ground." My guess she was out with whoever she's seeing, or with her booze hound friends, and I would bet she's definitely not "four days sober" like she told me she was earlier today on the phone.

As I sat on the floor in our, or now...my, bathroom painting the trim work I suddenly thought how bad I wanted to call my wife and tell her never to "drunk dial" my daughter again. The booze infused conversations we've both had with my kids are now a thing in the past. I looked over my shoulder at my dad who was rolling the new wall color on the walls and asked if he thought I should make that call. He said no. That I didn't really know if she was drinking or not. To give her the benefit of the doubt. So I went back to my trim work. It's just hard. It's hard when you've spent almost 7 years with someone, developed a certain degree of love for them, continuously watched us both drown our regrets nightly in alcohol to not want to just reach out and say something. Especially after the great first session I had with my new therapist and the talks I've had with other counselors in the past 24 hours.

Well, she's not my concern anymore and I'm definitely not her's. Even though I sometimes wish I was. But I have to remember...we're bad for each other and we enable...

Oh yeah, whats with the bathroom paint job you might ask? Well for four years now she's nagged me to redo the master bath. I've always had an excuse (wonder what that might have been (glug glug)) as to why I didn't want to do it, or would get around to it one of these days. This currently sober, but alcoholic guy Chuck, has a new lease on life. He'll be getting around to a lot of those house hold chores she's bitched about for years. I got energy, drive and purpose baby...oh yes I do!

Curious about the wall color I picked out today at Lowe's? Took me a total of 4 minutes to choose it. It's called Celebration Blue. Fitting, dontcha think?