A new calm?

Well today is day 6. I had a good night sleep last night. It was weird, and I'm not sure if it'll last, but at some point before I turned in last night this different sort of calm came over me. I suddenly realized that, if I squinted my eyes and looked real hard, I could actually see a day soon where I might actually be able to get over the fact that my marriage is ending in failure. It also occurred to me that there could very well come a day where I won't miss her so much. Maybe I'll be able to go to restaurants where we once enjoyed a good meal (and alcoholic beverages) and not be sad. Or drive by stores or locations that we used to frequent together and not suddenly have a feeling of guilt or of missing her.
Hmmm...maybe I've began to claw my way up out of this "pit". Maybe...I guess I'll see.

So, last night I took my new friend's advice and flipped to the back of The Big Book (what AA members call the book, Alcoholics Anonymous) and read the story of AA's co-founder, Dr. Bob. Dang, he sure had a booze soaked life. How hard it must have been to be an alcoholic during Prohibition! But he did it, and he eventually found recovery. I can definitely see that those first hand stories will certainly be helpful to me as I continue on this journey.

This morning I've been keeping myself busy. I've made breakfast and gotten the kids off to school. Spoken on the phone with family and friends, started a load of laundry and swept and cleaned the kitchen. Soon I'm going to begin one of my most dreaded projects, cleaning and organizing my office. Yeah, I'm dreading that one big time. Around 11am I'll shower, dress and head out to my AA Meeting. I'm looking forward to that. Afterwards I'll start on more of the items on my list and I'm sure I'll be adding more to it as I go along. Tonight I'm planning on having a nice dinner with my son, daughter and her boyfriend. Maybe I'll grill something out. The weather is turning here in Alabama and it's a sunny day. And that reminds me of something, ever since my wife has left, and I've stopped drinking, I've made it a point to open all the blinds on all the windows downstairs in the living room and kitchen. Before we would rarely open them up and let the sunshine in. I remember once when my wife's sister came to visit she remarked, "Y'all need to open these blinds. It feels like a tomb in here"! Yeah, I now agree with her.

Okay, now I feel like I need to step out of my "journal mode" and say something to anyone who might be reading. I know there are a few of you out there and I sure appreciate you reading and following along with me on my journey. But, with that being said, I want to be clear that this blog, this journal, is completely for me. I'm using it to track the events of my life as I move forward from near ruin. I want to be able to look back 3 weeks, or 6 months or a year from now and remind myself what all I've been through. Sort of like that diary you or your sister used to keep hidden under the mattress. This is my diary and it just happens to be on-line and "open to the public" so to speak. I've chosen to do it this way for two reasons.

The first reason is purely selfish. I want to have a feeling of accountability. That's why I've shared the URL with a select few friends and relatives. I want those select people who actually care about me to let me know what it may be I'm doing right or wrong.

Secondly, I'm putting this out there because, who knows, maybe reading my journey and/or struggle may be helpful to others. Already I've gotten two emails from two different people telling me about their struggle with alcohol, or the struggle their spouse may be going through. That's the kind of feed back I'm looking for from the general public. Feel free to email me your thoughts anytime. You can find my email address if you click on the "View My Complete Profile" link over there on the right side of this page. So that's why I've disabled the comment option here, because again, this is for me. If I can help you with what I've written here, then good. Helping others is one of the things they are teaching me in AA.

Okay...now I step back out of my "public voice" and into the one where I speak only to myself...

Well, it's time I get off my butt and get ready for another day of recovery. It's going to be a good day. But you know what? If something happens to bring me down, either in heart or mind, there will always be tomorrow.