Too much to handle...

Well I said before in earlier posts that I was going to put down here in words exactly what happened to bring about the end of my marriage. Guess what? Today's the day. I'm going to put it all out there. In total honesty. Nothing I'm going to say will be untrue. Why am I so hell bent on doing this now? Well, it's because I've learned last evening that I've been made a fool of. That the past three and a half weeks of my life, of my sober life, have been just a big farce and joke for the benefit of only a handful, that I know of, of people who have gotten their kicks off of this mess of a life that I lead. More about that later...

First of all it should be known that my marriage hasn't been good for a while now. As she says it's been at least the last two years that have been real bad. She claims to have wanted out for that long, but was afraid to take the steps because of our debt and financial situation. She's said that she had plans to pay off a major amount of debt then leave me within a year or two.

Now follow along and take a step back with me into January of this year. But before I go any further let me just say a couple things: I am a very sexual person. Yes, I'm a man but in the second half of last year I lost a ton of weight and my libido increased incredibly. I'm talking 18 year old kid libido here folks. I went from a grandpa's interest in sex to a high school kids interest in the course of a few short months. She hated this, but put up with it to a degree. She would usually indulge me my advances, albeit usually grudgingly, and lay there till the job was complete. At the time I thought her lack of interest was only because she wasn't a "sexual person". Of course now I know it was because she didn't love me and was spending much of everyday figuring out how she could get the F out of the marriage.

Well by mid January she had formulated a plan. We were standing in the kitchen, having cocktails as usual, and I leaned up against her, pressing myself into her, and made some sort of overtures about wanting to "knock a piece out". Then the shit hit the fan. She went off. Spouting about how she hated having sex with me, how I wanted it too much, how she would be happy with only doing it once a week/five times a month at the most. She said a lot of other things, but finished it off with the hook. She said (and this is pretty much word for word) "why don't you find yourself a girlfriend, someone to f**k you when you need it, just be safe and wear a condom". Yep, she tossed me the hook but little did I know then that she'd soon have me "hook, line and sinker".

Over the next three or four weeks I traveled a lot, as usual. She even went out of town for work for two nights. During this time I met about 6 women. Most were pretty innocent encounters, well not so innocent when you consider the fact that I was a married man, but okay when you're a married man with permission. There wasn't much that happened with four of the six, but with two of them I did go all the way. I was incredibly drunk when I was with each of these women, but still in my drunk mind I wasn't too concerned. After all, I had permission.

Well then the fateful week of Feb 22nd happened. The week I went out of town to Florida, the week she left me. Everything since then is well documented here on this journal. Even up until recently when she moved back in and wanted to be "friends". She explained to me, several times over the past three plus weeks, about how she was sitting here at home that Wednesday the 24th minding her own business when she received an anonymous call from a woman claiming that I was cheating on her and how I had a website describing my extramarital exploits. I did have a website, or a blog actually. It was in creation for a total of 6 days and had about 6 or 7 posts on it until I deleted it. Yes it was stupid of me to start, but I've always been a writer and the thought of writing about my adventures on the road appealed to me. Of the 6 or 7 blog posts I had written, only one "sexual adventure" was true. The rest of the posts were just "getting to know me and my situation" type of entries. That one sexual adventure was a, very exaggerated, version of one of the two affairs I had had since the permission had been given.

Well this was my belief of the events that lead to the end of my marriage, up until last night. This was the reason why, in so many other posts here, I've bemoaned the fact that I just can't forgive the things I've done and how I'm such a bad person, etc. Well last night I learned the truth. And this truth has literally upset the apple cart of everything I've come to feel, understand and believe over the past three plus weeks.

Last night we spent a good period of time once again discussing this mystery person who called her that Wednesday night. Who it could be, who I may have told about the blog, and why this person might have called. I even went as far as to break out my expense report to go over which restaurants and bars I had been in during the time I was on the road to try to piece together exactly who it may have been that I could have drunkenly blabbed my secrets to.

Well finally, after a couple hours of this discussion, she came clean. She informed me that she had suspected I was doing something and on the afternoon of Feb 21st, before I left to go out of town, she had taken my computer and downloaded spyware onto it. Spyware that would send to her newly created email account a snapshot of everything I did on the computer. Email conversations, blog writings, websites visited, passwords, etc. She also shared this information and access to this new email account with several of her friends so that they could also share in the hilarity that was my life. All that was okay, when I think about it, because after all....she'd been wanting out but she couldn't just leave a "good" man and his two kids without a good reason. That would make her look like a terrible person. She needed evidence of me doing something terrible so she'd look like the victim and the world would accept the decision she had made. Well, thanks to throwing me out that "hook" back in January and the spyware, she had her evidence. And that's fine. I realize, 100% now, that our getting divorced is the BEST thing that could ever happen. If it had all ended then I'd be just fine and dandy today. But it didn't.

She has continued to monitor my on-line activity ever since. Everything I have done; whether emails, web surfing, my visiting dating sites and of course this blog. She's been aware. And to make matters worse, her friends have had access to all of this as well. They had the password to the email account where she was receiving her spyware updates and they could snoop into my activities along with her everyday, all day, as often as they wanted. As I listened to her explain all this to me last night, and as I thought about it more, it occurred to me that everything I have done has been one big farce. Fodder for she and her "pals" to laugh and joke about. The soul searching posts I have written here on this journal, my struggle with the guilt I've felt, my coming to grips with the end of my marriage and most importantly, my attempts to be a sober man have been nothing short of a big ass joke. She, and these friends (yes "ladies" I'm sure you're reading), have thoroughly enjoyed themselves at my expense. And as it always happens, I'm sure they in turn have shared the information with countless others. So now, in actuality, there are God knows how many people reading this who are also getting their kicks off of my struggle. But then again, why should I be surprised? I did start a journal in a public forum after all. But to my defense I didn't put all this out there so that it could be entertainment to people who knowingly wish me ill.

So, where does all this knowledge leave me? What does my future hold? How will this affect the "friendship" she's been claiming she wants to have with me? And most importantly, how will this affect my sobriety? As of 7 am this Thursday morning I don't know the answer to these questions. Until last night I honestly believed she wanted to be friends, and go our separate ways continuing to be good friends. That was until I learned she had continued to invade my privacy non stop up until last night. She had actually read the innocent email conversations I had had as recently as yesterday afternoon. Nothing I did was personal or sacred to me since she and her friends had been reading.

So how will this new info assist in steering this "sober ship" I've been sailing now for 27 days? That's something I also don't know the answer to. Part of me wants to say, screw it and go tie on a big one this evening. Another part says that if I do that she'll be the one that wins. She and her booze hound friends who also share in and laugh at my struggle. I don't know what to do. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile this very well could be the end of this blog. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to think or how to feel. This is too much to handle.