Thursday, March 4, 2010

Creating A New Normal

And so we bring day 5 to a close. And of all of the last five days this one I'm most ready to see hit the door. It's not that it's been all bad, although there were some really rough patches, and so far it's looking like it's ending on a fairly upbeat note. Let me go back through my day...

I started the day a bit agitated. This was mostly because I knew this was the day my parents were going to be leaving me here all alone. Me, a 41 year old man, afraid to be without his mommy and daddy. Around 11am I had them follow me to a BBQ place near where my 12:15 AA meeting is held and we sat down to eat. I couldn't even look them in the face for fear I would bust out crying. I just wanted to wail, "Please don't leave me alone now! I don't think I can make it!" When the time came for the check and to leave I just couldn't take it. I held back the tears and told them that I didn't think I could walk out with them and do the goodbyes there in the parking lot. I thought it best that I go ahead and leave on my own. I promised to call them after the meeting.

God, that was hard! I was a blubbering idiot by the time I got to my car. So many emotions running through me. Fear of being alone was one, but I was still wrestling with the intense feelings of guilt I have for what all I had done over the last 8 months. The things I had done that had finally driven my wife away. I called and spoke with my sister and balled like a puss to her. I did the same to a good friend from out of state. I don't even remember what all they said, I can only remember thinking "I've hurt her, I've hurt her" over and over in my mind. It was like the chorus of a really sad and bad song.

I got to the church and into the meeting room and the dark cloud lifted. I didn't dare to speak though, like I did yesterday, for fear of making another blubbering spectacle of myself, but this time in front of strangers. But I did listen. Today it seemed each alcoholic there had something to say about God and/or their Higher Power. Just what I wanted to hear...NOT! But maybe it was what I needed to hear. I continued to feel the tears well each time someone would speak up and say, "Hey I'm _____, and I'm an alcoholic". I left there feeling better, not great, but better.

I had some errands to run before I needed to be home for the youngest to get off the bus. I made the dreaded WalMart trip, and for the first time in forever I completely avoided the beer and wine isle. I bought the crap I needed and came home and that's when it hit.

I suddenly, and for the first time since last Saturday, had a strong desire to crack a beer or mix a drink. But I didn't give in. I took out my little yellow AA Meeting Schedule book where men had written their first names and numbers (about 6 of them) and called the first one on the list. The man who had taken such an interest in me yesterday, and today as well. Damn, he didn't answer but as I was leaving him a message he beeped in calling me back. I answered and instantly felt relieved when he started talking. I told him I was craving a drink and he suggested I read some of the stories of men and women in the back of the Big Book. He said it can be therapeutic to see the struggles of other real people. I poured out all my "soon to be ex wife guilt" and how it was tearing me up inside that I had done so many terrible things to her. And his response was, "If you can't do anything about it, why think about it". That one sentence stopped me in my tracks. Wow, how simple, yet how true. I'm beginning to see Sponsor material in this guy. He said a lot more that helped, but I had to soon let him go once the boy got home from school.

I pulled myself together, feeling better, and set off to strike off another item on my to do list. I put on a pair of while thermal long johns, threw on my "painting shorts" over them and pulled on my "painting t-shirt" and headed outside to begin tackling the white trim work around the front door that had turned a dark tint with age. Yeah I was looking so hot!

I finished up, admired my work and got my son in from playing so we could make dinner together. Daughter was, yep you guessed it, out with her boyfriend. I heated up last nights spaghetti and we settled in to watch last night's tivo-ed episodes of The Middle and Modern Family. Great show's, by the way...

After dinner I got another wild hair. Whats a better way to keep the mind and body busy than to rearrange the living room furniture? For 6ish years we'd had everything arranged just the way she wanted it. She's gone now, and it's time to mix it up. We did that, but I wasn't through yet. I got his butt in the shower and I then proceeded to do some cabinet rearranging. She liked the plates and bowls like this? Nah, let's see how they look on this different shelf. I cleaned off counters, moved the coffee maker to the other side of the kitchen, cleaned off all the crap we had piled up on top the fridge, threw away a shit load of a lot of stuff and finished up with my favorite change of the night. I got an empty box from the garage and proceeded filling it with every wine glass, beer mug, rocks glass and shot glass we had in the house. Cleaned out the last evidence that there was ever anyone living here who may or may not have once drank alcohol from any of those vessels.

Then the dark cloud of depression descended again. I called a very good friend and began to again lay on all the guilt I felt, but she was to have none of that. She said some pretty good things to me, many of which I actually wrote down:

I am not my mistake, but I have to learn from my mistake.
Because I've always thought that I'm a big failure, all this time I've done whatever I wanted because I wasn't happy with myself. I rationalized doing whatever made me feel good. We never really get over the things we've done or the mistakes we've made, but we learn how to live despite them all

And there was one other thing she said that I wrote down...

Create a new normal and the good thing will be, if you learn from it, the new normal is better than you thought it could ever be.

So this day has certainly had it's ups and downs, but thank God I have friends and family who care about me, even though I'm not perfect. And even though I've done some horrible things, they still love me and support me and want to see me learn from my mistakes and be a much better man.

Maybe there's something to this Higher Power thing after all!

On to day 6!